Old Friends

Hello old friends! I know it's been entirely too long since my last post and so much has happened since then, to the degree that updating has been a major challenge since I don't know how to squeeze it all in!

Well, if you didn't know I also have a sort of parallel account/blog on xanga and I posted an update there. So make sure you check it out since it sort of covers more of my personal testimony and where God has brought me.

http://andthistooshallcometopass.xanga.com/730390925/the-great-update-part-1/

Approaching the Next Chapter

I guess I have to face the reality that I won't be blogging in any meaningful capacity until I finally muster the courage to share with my parents about my struggles with homosexuality. Until then, I'd like to officially announce the hiatus of this blog. But don't worry, I'm working on telling them as soon as possible. I've given myself a soft dead line of this month but hopefully God's timing will become completely apparent to me and I won't blow it!

In the meantime, I appreciate all your prayers and support.
You guys are awesome!

Picking Up Old Habits

I think it's about time I get back in the habit of reading my Bible and praying daily along with blogging regularly. I'm not sure what that looks like right now but hopefully once or twice a week, at the very least. A lot of stuff has been going on and I haven't been faithful to share those stories of God's amazing love with everyone so I'm trying to work on that. It's too late to share anything meaningful tonight but just know that God can and does redeem all things for his glory.

New Years Bring New Frontiers

I'm running toward that glimmer of light flickering faintly off in the distance. You know, the one that signifies the end of a tunnel, a dark passageway for this journey I'm on that brings me from one side of this colossal mountain to the other, out of the shadows and into the radiant sunshine. The comforting rays falls down on my skin like a thick mist. Hope and joy perforate into all areas of my life as they enter my heart and circulate through the blood stream to my surrounding organs. The entire body receives them gladly, like a vitamin sent from above. This is but a glimpse of the future God has promised me. May all glory and honor be returned to the one who sits on the throne and overflows with abundant love, mercy and grace!

I have great expectation for this new year, but handle it as if it were merely a new day. Each is a gift from God and should be approached as such.

The goals (and ideals).

• Communion with the Holy Spirit (excessively)
• Eat (consistently)
• Sleep (exceptionally)
• Dream (intensely)
• Read the Word (daily)
• Journal (daily)
• Intercede for others in prayer (daily)
• Apologize (frequently)
• Forgive (whole-heartedly)
• Love (unashamedly)
• Work (hopefully)
• Embrace (tenderly)
• Blog (daily/weekly)
• Exercise (daily/weekly)
• Create (weekly)
• Abandone my comfort zone (weekly)
• Be an encouragement (weekly)
• Read through an entire book (monthly)
• Learn how to play an instrument (yearly)
• Masturbate (rarely)
• Consume porn (barely)
• Tell my family and friends about my struggles (finally)
• Persevere (continually)

[The End] Is Not the End

I've officially ended the process of importing my journal entries in blogs!

(My first current post since I started this blog!)

I'd like to start by thanking everyone who followed along with me as I posted all of these thoughts at a pretty regular pace here. It's been encouraging to read your feedback and especially to hear that many of you are so committed to pray for me. It spurs me on knowing that I have warriors battling on my behalf. So I'm very grateful for that and ask that you would continue to lift me up in prayer as I move forward with Christ.

These past 30 entries have been just a snippet of the last two month period or so of my life but it's certainly felt like a whirlwind tour, for sure! It's sort of refreshing having that portion of my journey firmly chronicled now and I'm almost ready to move on to the next aspect of my fight. I still have plenty of things to share with you guys since God hasn't stopped working on me for a minute. In fact, it feels like he's kicked it into overdrive these past few weeks.

So what's next for me?

For one, I'll be scaling back the amount of time I spend online as I seek to draw closer to God during these next few months. I'm at a point where I've only just discovered God's immense love for me but I have yet to truly experience it in any great measure. I know him to be faithful and loving and so I want to pursue him for all he's worth while I still have this level of time to commit solely to him (referring to my current state of unemployment).

Another thing I want to work on and develop during this time is my artistic pursuits. I'm going to focus on my new passion for acrylic painting along with creative writing. I've been refining the growing list of film ideas that God's been giving me as well as building up a backlog of great posts for my public blog (for those of you privileged enough who know the real me).

As I tell the last remaining people on my short "trusted friend" list, I'm reminded of how far God has already brought me in this year. I've just read through some pages in my old written journal and they really spoke to me from a completely different place than before. Who was I before I encountered the saving grace and love of God?!

Finally, I'd really appreciate another helping of prayer specifically with regards to my debate over when and how I sharing with my parents/family about my homosexual attraction. I think today was the first day I finally felt some cracks in the walls of fear and rejection that have kept me from even considering telling them. But I'm nowhere near finished. So I guess my prayer looks something like "More please, God. More please, God. More please, God!"

I love you all so much, you've been great brothers!

[Part 30] Sad Strokes & Setbacks

[It's funny how my need to filter or warn people about certain details seems to fluctuate over time. I no longer have a problem with cussing but talking about masturbation is suddenly a big. Whatever, just be forewarned that I mention it in here.]
(November 20, 2009)

I was doing super-duper-awesome today even after I had a good convo with (Diakonos) for an hour or so.

But then...

I looked at some “soft core” which apparently can be just a simple as shirtless hunks. Granted I'm pretty sure half of them were gay. But seriously, shirtless guys is all I needed to get going?

That's just stupid.

Oh yeah, and I spent like 30 minutes just stroking it for awhile before I got it over with.

Also stupid.

Especially in the face of all I've been reading about masturbation and the chemical dependency I'm perpetuating.

I think my next target of spiritual battle is the citadel/stronghold of masturbation that Satan has in my life. This tower needs to come down!

But the problem is Satan sees me mounting my attack so he swiftly blitzkriegs me before I have a chance to fully prepare. He goes for the fast knock out, not the long haul, sometimes.
(I'm not implying Satan is necessarily German, just that he was around during WWII and either took notes or gave them out.)

And then I listened to a couple of Ricky Chelette's sermons and they changed my life! The end of "Homosexuality" was great, along with the first 40 minutes of “Ministering to those with Same Gender Attraction.”


(November 27, 2009)

I can't believe it's both been a whole week and yet only a week since my last entry!

Today I find myself in a very discouraged mood. Unfortunately, not much has changed since yesterday, which just so happened to be Thanksgiving. Everything was going great until the afternoon when I ignorantly decided to watch “The Talented Mr. Ripley” with my parents.

I learned a few very valuable things that night.

1. Never watch any movie you've never seen before for the very first time with your parents. This is a good rule to follow in general. There's just too many chances for this sort of thing to go wrong!
2. My parents, dad especially, are highly uncomfortable around anything dealing with the subject of homosexuality. Realistically they're an average amount of homophobic, if such a measurement exists?
3. I'm probably not going to share with either of them about my struggles any time soon.

This is seriously a frustrating setback.

I honestly feel almost no attachment to my parents, at least emotionally or in any intimate way. And that's a terrible relational to come to. It's like I'm trying to force something that's just not happening.

Story of my life, right?

On one hand, I feel compelled to search out that relationship I never had with my father. After all, he's the only dad I'll ever have. There are no do-overs here. These are the parents that're going to be with me until the day one of us dies. There's no way around it. I almost feel obligated to make it work out.

But on the other hand, they're making it more difficult on me than ever. I can just as easily walk away and close this entire part of my life off from them. And the worst part is I'm not even emotionally invested in this relationship to the point where there's really no tears to be shed whatsoever. Tragic.

Dad has been actually like a total ass lately, especially in regards to the way he treats mom and other people. I've never met another man as insecure as he is. It's honestly astounding! I don't know why he has such a hard time admitting he's wrong? It's just insane. I've given him about 20 chances in the last week to say he was wrong or apologize but he just couldn't do it.

I guess that means God wants me to prayer for him since there's nothing I can accomplish on my own power. Man, this sucks! Why do I have to be the bigger man? I didn't ask for this burden to bear. But I know I can't complain because somehow, through all of this chaos, God's plan of redemption will unfold.

“Why can't I cry over this, God? Please continue to work on my heart, my emotions. I may be broken but not in the way that you require. Destroy this unhealthy heart, with the promise of a new one. I'm ready for a different kind of brokenness. Pour out peace in my life over all these situations. Send your Holy Spirit ahead of me to work on the hearts of those I encounter.

Father, I'm still a scared and lonely little boy. I need you embrace in a physical way. Thank you for all the new guys you've brought into my life but help me practice purity in all relationships. I only want to do things that are pleasing to you. I'm tired of hiding, of running, of holding this mask over my face. I'm ready for a change of pace. I want to see and breathe freely.

Protect me from pursuing sex.
My body is still weak but I know you're strong.“

[Part 29] Coming Out & The Game Plan

(November 17, 2009)

I'm finally taking the plunge!

Get ready anonymous world of gay Christians who blog, there's a new boy in town.

Man, even as I sit here and think about it I'm pretty sure a nice hug would bring more healing than a week's worth of blogs and rants.

“I feel so untouched sometimes...” (The Veronicas)

(Continued...)

I've finally made my official debut into the gay Christians blogosphere!
(Mark your calendars, haha!)

Man, this whole “outing” myself online is taking quite a bit of work and effort but it's well worth it. I can't wait to establish some great, meaningful relationships with even more godly Christian men who truly understand my struggle.

God has been systematically redeeming every experience of my past and, at some point, it's going to catch up with my present. I think certain aspects already have!

http://newterritorycoach.blogspot.com/2009/04/growth-into-manhood.html

http://www.ccef.org/its-all-about-me-problem-masturbation

(Random links to an article I must have enjoyed the first time around)

(November 18, 2009)

I've decided I'm going to tell (Phoenix) and his dad about my struggles with homosexuality.

I have a little less than two weeks to prepare for the Monday meetings. I'm already planning out the whole process in my head. I'm thinking I'll just read a script based on the one I read to (Ezekiel) but customized for them. If anything, I might share with just (Phoenix) first and then his dad and then the whole group, if need be.

Wow, this is such a huge deal for me!

Also, if I'm really on it, I might be able to tell (Theo) the Sunday before as well. That's assuming I go these next two Sundays and actually enjoy the first one. So that's all a big question mark but we'll see what develops...

(from Jeff on AB) 

Here is some advice that I included in a recent blog post of mine on the subject of dating women for guys who struggle with SSA: “Do I recommend dating and marriage, if they desire it, for any men who struggle with homosexuality? Only if they have a real desire to marry and have children, only if they (and their spouse-to-be) face it with the realism that attraction to men may possibly continue or resurface to some degree, only if they do not see marriage as being better in God’s eyes than being single, only if they have shared about their struggle with same-sex attraction in detail with their potential future spouse, and only if they have a strong expectant faith that in God all things are possible. Even then, it is a major decision to make, but as Jones and Yarhouse point out in their work, change in some form is possible for some people. I am one of those people.”

Well, that's a tough challenge but encouraging in the end. Certain something I'll have to pray a lot about!

[Part 28] Forums, Confessions & Needs

[Note: I don't think I can post very much of the content here on the web due to copyright issues and respect of privacy.]

(November 11, 2009)

I was finally accepted into the livinghope.com forums!

One of the first really good things I've read was this:
(imaginary link to nothing, sorry)

It's strange but I feel like even in the short time I've been home, roughly two weeks or more, I've already got my head wrapped around this whole struggle I have with homosexuality.

I've immersed myself in all the latest research and teaching and have sort of formed a holistic theology out of the pieces.

It's really been a fight against the mystery that the darkness had established in my life. I was groping around in the dark with no direction or hope. But God has brought light into my situation and illuminated this battleground for my soul.


(November 15, 2009)

(The annual Urban Missions for my city) was this past weekend and it was great in a sense that God revealed many very small but practical pieces of truth in my life. I'm finally comfortable/excited to live in my community here at home. (This was very comforting for me after being a with Youth With A Mission for over 8 months and feeling very unsure whether or not I'd be able to re-integrate back into my hometown.)

Very real confession:

Sometimes I wish I could've had a few years of full exploration into the homosexual lifestyle before I had to come to terms with my sinful nature.

I realize that's pretty much the worst thing ever to admit but I'm just trying to work on the honesty part so I can actually figure out the real roots of all these disgusting fruit that are popping up in my life-tree still.

Reading all the blogs of these other Christians struggling with SSA has caused me to fantasize quite a bit about having "relations" with them. I've sort of excused their soft-porn stories as “testimonies” and it's been to my detriment.

Man, I need the physical touch and love of a godly, straight guy in my life.

Maybe (Phoenix) can be that for me? Or perhaps I should just focus on (Theo) for now? I still have yet to attend this magical “house church” though so one step at a time...


(November 16, 2009)

The life of a sensitive boy...

Attention
Affirmation
Affection

I need them all...

[Part 27] Revelations in the Midst of Garbage

(November 10, 2009)

Hello, old friend!

It feels like it's been far too long since my last entry in the journal. And to compound that I've made so many breakthroughs and revelations!

One is about how I actually, genuinely miss people now.

The big lesson there is that I miss these people because I had a true, honest relationship with them and exposed more of myself to them than anyone else ever before. The depth of our relationship is a trench that keeps me connected to them. In a certain sense, there's now something to be missed. It wasn't just an arm's length bubble like before. Instead, there was an emotional exchange that can't easily be reproduced or forgotten.

The other big discovery was that I'm now officially an optimist!

The total game changer happened when I began to trust God with my life, with complete obedience, and realized he loved me so much. Therefore his plans are ultimately for my good, for my healing, for my restoration. It's no longer a “Woe is me! Why was I made this way!?” but instead a “Wow, God, what's your crazy plan for my life!? I'm so thankful to be used by your hand!”

Review:

• Deep, honest relationships lead to missing people.
• And living an open/honest life leads to healing and genuine joy.

(Later that day...)

I find it so discouragingly ironic that the one day Jon comes over and we talk just ever-so-slightly about how he's trying to live above reproach with his porn addiction and all I end up doing is looking at gay porn tonight! (I don't even care if that's a run-on sentence!)

And this latest failure only stands to reinforce all the triggers I'm already aware of:
I didn't do my devos in the morning.
I didn't invite the Holy Spirit's company into my day.
I didn't make my relationship with Christ the #1 priority of my day.
I didn't run from evil, instead I tried to flirt as close as I could with the darkness.

I got cocky and thought I could just look at some guys' shirtless bodies. But I ended up back in some of my old favorites with all the cleanly shaven guys and their chiseled, muscled bodies.

If you play with fire, you're gonna get burned.

But sometimes I feel like I want to get burned!
That's the part I hate the most!

And I think there's other things that contribute to this as well, like watching Survivor. I've never seen so many guys comfortable walking around in just their tight underwear!

It's such a hard process trying to regrow a sensitive conscience! I've dulled the edges of mine to the point that I don't even feel the prick, either that or I'm numb to the pain.

“Holy Spirit, forgive me for living for my sinful fleshly nature. I choose again this day to follow you and be led by you. I want to produce fruit of the kingdom.”

[Then God delivers this amazing song to me from an unusual source.]

Chorus
Garbage in, Garbage out.
What goes in is found out.
All can see what goes in me.
I pay the price.

Full lyrics
Listen here

I'm gonna journal out the rest of this garbage that's stuck in my heart.

[Part 26] Resources

(November 6, 2009)

(A follow up to the previous post)

But I remain a Christian, a follower of Jesus. And, like Auden, I accept the Christian teaching that homosexuality is a tragic sign that things are “not the way they’re supposed to be.”

In recent years I have made it a point to read as many biographies of homosexual Christians as I can find. (“We read to know we’re not alone,” as the characters in the movie “Shadowlands” say.) Invariably, they talk about loneliness.

Source

And a really good response blog to the first article (source).

I decided I'm gonna bookmark of all the new friends I've made on xanga until I join there eventually.

http://littledrummerboy4christ.xanga.com/
http://livingx2xlives.xanga.com/
http://reedme85.xanga.com/
http://ody-dan.xanga.com/
http://carleton1958.xanga.com/

(More resources I've collected for a later time.)
http://moremusingson.blogspot.com/2009/03/what-its-like-to-be-you.html

I've decided I need to find a mentor relationship with a man who has victoriously overcome his homosexual attractions through Christ. It's time to submerse myself in a culture of devotion to Jesus as the sole provider and Saviour.

Man, I really do binge on things, don't I?!

http://captain20.xanga.com/714051392/dealing-with-depression/

Us SSA strugglers often have a real tough time with depression and it's very easy to see why:

1. It can seem like there is no hope that we will ever find love and a fulfilling relationship
2. When all of our friends seem to be getting married or having children, we end up left alone, like some misfit and dysfunctional
3. Powerful attractions that are normal in all people are in the wrong direction and we seem unable to hold them back
4. It doesn't seem to make any sense why I have this affliction
5. No one really understands what is going on for me
6. With such a private problem, I can't really share it with anyone
7. I keep fucking up
8. People can be really hurtful to me, calling me names and even passing me over for selection or promotion, just because I'm "different"

A great video from Gateway Church in Texas about Christians struggling with SSA:
http://vimeo.com/6344577