[The End] Is Not the End

I've officially ended the process of importing my journal entries in blogs!

(My first current post since I started this blog!)

I'd like to start by thanking everyone who followed along with me as I posted all of these thoughts at a pretty regular pace here. It's been encouraging to read your feedback and especially to hear that many of you are so committed to pray for me. It spurs me on knowing that I have warriors battling on my behalf. So I'm very grateful for that and ask that you would continue to lift me up in prayer as I move forward with Christ.

These past 30 entries have been just a snippet of the last two month period or so of my life but it's certainly felt like a whirlwind tour, for sure! It's sort of refreshing having that portion of my journey firmly chronicled now and I'm almost ready to move on to the next aspect of my fight. I still have plenty of things to share with you guys since God hasn't stopped working on me for a minute. In fact, it feels like he's kicked it into overdrive these past few weeks.

So what's next for me?

For one, I'll be scaling back the amount of time I spend online as I seek to draw closer to God during these next few months. I'm at a point where I've only just discovered God's immense love for me but I have yet to truly experience it in any great measure. I know him to be faithful and loving and so I want to pursue him for all he's worth while I still have this level of time to commit solely to him (referring to my current state of unemployment).

Another thing I want to work on and develop during this time is my artistic pursuits. I'm going to focus on my new passion for acrylic painting along with creative writing. I've been refining the growing list of film ideas that God's been giving me as well as building up a backlog of great posts for my public blog (for those of you privileged enough who know the real me).

As I tell the last remaining people on my short "trusted friend" list, I'm reminded of how far God has already brought me in this year. I've just read through some pages in my old written journal and they really spoke to me from a completely different place than before. Who was I before I encountered the saving grace and love of God?!

Finally, I'd really appreciate another helping of prayer specifically with regards to my debate over when and how I sharing with my parents/family about my homosexual attraction. I think today was the first day I finally felt some cracks in the walls of fear and rejection that have kept me from even considering telling them. But I'm nowhere near finished. So I guess my prayer looks something like "More please, God. More please, God. More please, God!"

I love you all so much, you've been great brothers!

[Part 30] Sad Strokes & Setbacks

[It's funny how my need to filter or warn people about certain details seems to fluctuate over time. I no longer have a problem with cussing but talking about masturbation is suddenly a big. Whatever, just be forewarned that I mention it in here.]
(November 20, 2009)

I was doing super-duper-awesome today even after I had a good convo with (Diakonos) for an hour or so.

But then...

I looked at some “soft core” which apparently can be just a simple as shirtless hunks. Granted I'm pretty sure half of them were gay. But seriously, shirtless guys is all I needed to get going?

That's just stupid.

Oh yeah, and I spent like 30 minutes just stroking it for awhile before I got it over with.

Also stupid.

Especially in the face of all I've been reading about masturbation and the chemical dependency I'm perpetuating.

I think my next target of spiritual battle is the citadel/stronghold of masturbation that Satan has in my life. This tower needs to come down!

But the problem is Satan sees me mounting my attack so he swiftly blitzkriegs me before I have a chance to fully prepare. He goes for the fast knock out, not the long haul, sometimes.
(I'm not implying Satan is necessarily German, just that he was around during WWII and either took notes or gave them out.)

And then I listened to a couple of Ricky Chelette's sermons and they changed my life! The end of "Homosexuality" was great, along with the first 40 minutes of “Ministering to those with Same Gender Attraction.”


(November 27, 2009)

I can't believe it's both been a whole week and yet only a week since my last entry!

Today I find myself in a very discouraged mood. Unfortunately, not much has changed since yesterday, which just so happened to be Thanksgiving. Everything was going great until the afternoon when I ignorantly decided to watch “The Talented Mr. Ripley” with my parents.

I learned a few very valuable things that night.

1. Never watch any movie you've never seen before for the very first time with your parents. This is a good rule to follow in general. There's just too many chances for this sort of thing to go wrong!
2. My parents, dad especially, are highly uncomfortable around anything dealing with the subject of homosexuality. Realistically they're an average amount of homophobic, if such a measurement exists?
3. I'm probably not going to share with either of them about my struggles any time soon.

This is seriously a frustrating setback.

I honestly feel almost no attachment to my parents, at least emotionally or in any intimate way. And that's a terrible relational to come to. It's like I'm trying to force something that's just not happening.

Story of my life, right?

On one hand, I feel compelled to search out that relationship I never had with my father. After all, he's the only dad I'll ever have. There are no do-overs here. These are the parents that're going to be with me until the day one of us dies. There's no way around it. I almost feel obligated to make it work out.

But on the other hand, they're making it more difficult on me than ever. I can just as easily walk away and close this entire part of my life off from them. And the worst part is I'm not even emotionally invested in this relationship to the point where there's really no tears to be shed whatsoever. Tragic.

Dad has been actually like a total ass lately, especially in regards to the way he treats mom and other people. I've never met another man as insecure as he is. It's honestly astounding! I don't know why he has such a hard time admitting he's wrong? It's just insane. I've given him about 20 chances in the last week to say he was wrong or apologize but he just couldn't do it.

I guess that means God wants me to prayer for him since there's nothing I can accomplish on my own power. Man, this sucks! Why do I have to be the bigger man? I didn't ask for this burden to bear. But I know I can't complain because somehow, through all of this chaos, God's plan of redemption will unfold.

“Why can't I cry over this, God? Please continue to work on my heart, my emotions. I may be broken but not in the way that you require. Destroy this unhealthy heart, with the promise of a new one. I'm ready for a different kind of brokenness. Pour out peace in my life over all these situations. Send your Holy Spirit ahead of me to work on the hearts of those I encounter.

Father, I'm still a scared and lonely little boy. I need you embrace in a physical way. Thank you for all the new guys you've brought into my life but help me practice purity in all relationships. I only want to do things that are pleasing to you. I'm tired of hiding, of running, of holding this mask over my face. I'm ready for a change of pace. I want to see and breathe freely.

Protect me from pursuing sex.
My body is still weak but I know you're strong.“

[Part 29] Coming Out & The Game Plan

(November 17, 2009)

I'm finally taking the plunge!

Get ready anonymous world of gay Christians who blog, there's a new boy in town.

Man, even as I sit here and think about it I'm pretty sure a nice hug would bring more healing than a week's worth of blogs and rants.

“I feel so untouched sometimes...” (The Veronicas)

(Continued...)

I've finally made my official debut into the gay Christians blogosphere!
(Mark your calendars, haha!)

Man, this whole “outing” myself online is taking quite a bit of work and effort but it's well worth it. I can't wait to establish some great, meaningful relationships with even more godly Christian men who truly understand my struggle.

God has been systematically redeeming every experience of my past and, at some point, it's going to catch up with my present. I think certain aspects already have!

http://newterritorycoach.blogspot.com/2009/04/growth-into-manhood.html

http://www.ccef.org/its-all-about-me-problem-masturbation

(Random links to an article I must have enjoyed the first time around)

(November 18, 2009)

I've decided I'm going to tell (Phoenix) and his dad about my struggles with homosexuality.

I have a little less than two weeks to prepare for the Monday meetings. I'm already planning out the whole process in my head. I'm thinking I'll just read a script based on the one I read to (Ezekiel) but customized for them. If anything, I might share with just (Phoenix) first and then his dad and then the whole group, if need be.

Wow, this is such a huge deal for me!

Also, if I'm really on it, I might be able to tell (Theo) the Sunday before as well. That's assuming I go these next two Sundays and actually enjoy the first one. So that's all a big question mark but we'll see what develops...

(from Jeff on AB) 

Here is some advice that I included in a recent blog post of mine on the subject of dating women for guys who struggle with SSA: “Do I recommend dating and marriage, if they desire it, for any men who struggle with homosexuality? Only if they have a real desire to marry and have children, only if they (and their spouse-to-be) face it with the realism that attraction to men may possibly continue or resurface to some degree, only if they do not see marriage as being better in God’s eyes than being single, only if they have shared about their struggle with same-sex attraction in detail with their potential future spouse, and only if they have a strong expectant faith that in God all things are possible. Even then, it is a major decision to make, but as Jones and Yarhouse point out in their work, change in some form is possible for some people. I am one of those people.”

Well, that's a tough challenge but encouraging in the end. Certain something I'll have to pray a lot about!

[Part 28] Forums, Confessions & Needs

[Note: I don't think I can post very much of the content here on the web due to copyright issues and respect of privacy.]

(November 11, 2009)

I was finally accepted into the livinghope.com forums!

One of the first really good things I've read was this:
(imaginary link to nothing, sorry)

It's strange but I feel like even in the short time I've been home, roughly two weeks or more, I've already got my head wrapped around this whole struggle I have with homosexuality.

I've immersed myself in all the latest research and teaching and have sort of formed a holistic theology out of the pieces.

It's really been a fight against the mystery that the darkness had established in my life. I was groping around in the dark with no direction or hope. But God has brought light into my situation and illuminated this battleground for my soul.


(November 15, 2009)

(The annual Urban Missions for my city) was this past weekend and it was great in a sense that God revealed many very small but practical pieces of truth in my life. I'm finally comfortable/excited to live in my community here at home. (This was very comforting for me after being a with Youth With A Mission for over 8 months and feeling very unsure whether or not I'd be able to re-integrate back into my hometown.)

Very real confession:

Sometimes I wish I could've had a few years of full exploration into the homosexual lifestyle before I had to come to terms with my sinful nature.

I realize that's pretty much the worst thing ever to admit but I'm just trying to work on the honesty part so I can actually figure out the real roots of all these disgusting fruit that are popping up in my life-tree still.

Reading all the blogs of these other Christians struggling with SSA has caused me to fantasize quite a bit about having "relations" with them. I've sort of excused their soft-porn stories as “testimonies” and it's been to my detriment.

Man, I need the physical touch and love of a godly, straight guy in my life.

Maybe (Phoenix) can be that for me? Or perhaps I should just focus on (Theo) for now? I still have yet to attend this magical “house church” though so one step at a time...


(November 16, 2009)

The life of a sensitive boy...

Attention
Affirmation
Affection

I need them all...

[Part 27] Revelations in the Midst of Garbage

(November 10, 2009)

Hello, old friend!

It feels like it's been far too long since my last entry in the journal. And to compound that I've made so many breakthroughs and revelations!

One is about how I actually, genuinely miss people now.

The big lesson there is that I miss these people because I had a true, honest relationship with them and exposed more of myself to them than anyone else ever before. The depth of our relationship is a trench that keeps me connected to them. In a certain sense, there's now something to be missed. It wasn't just an arm's length bubble like before. Instead, there was an emotional exchange that can't easily be reproduced or forgotten.

The other big discovery was that I'm now officially an optimist!

The total game changer happened when I began to trust God with my life, with complete obedience, and realized he loved me so much. Therefore his plans are ultimately for my good, for my healing, for my restoration. It's no longer a “Woe is me! Why was I made this way!?” but instead a “Wow, God, what's your crazy plan for my life!? I'm so thankful to be used by your hand!”

Review:

• Deep, honest relationships lead to missing people.
• And living an open/honest life leads to healing and genuine joy.

(Later that day...)

I find it so discouragingly ironic that the one day Jon comes over and we talk just ever-so-slightly about how he's trying to live above reproach with his porn addiction and all I end up doing is looking at gay porn tonight! (I don't even care if that's a run-on sentence!)

And this latest failure only stands to reinforce all the triggers I'm already aware of:
I didn't do my devos in the morning.
I didn't invite the Holy Spirit's company into my day.
I didn't make my relationship with Christ the #1 priority of my day.
I didn't run from evil, instead I tried to flirt as close as I could with the darkness.

I got cocky and thought I could just look at some guys' shirtless bodies. But I ended up back in some of my old favorites with all the cleanly shaven guys and their chiseled, muscled bodies.

If you play with fire, you're gonna get burned.

But sometimes I feel like I want to get burned!
That's the part I hate the most!

And I think there's other things that contribute to this as well, like watching Survivor. I've never seen so many guys comfortable walking around in just their tight underwear!

It's such a hard process trying to regrow a sensitive conscience! I've dulled the edges of mine to the point that I don't even feel the prick, either that or I'm numb to the pain.

“Holy Spirit, forgive me for living for my sinful fleshly nature. I choose again this day to follow you and be led by you. I want to produce fruit of the kingdom.”

[Then God delivers this amazing song to me from an unusual source.]

Chorus
Garbage in, Garbage out.
What goes in is found out.
All can see what goes in me.
I pay the price.

Full lyrics
Listen here

I'm gonna journal out the rest of this garbage that's stuck in my heart.

[Part 26] Resources

(November 6, 2009)

(A follow up to the previous post)

But I remain a Christian, a follower of Jesus. And, like Auden, I accept the Christian teaching that homosexuality is a tragic sign that things are “not the way they’re supposed to be.”

In recent years I have made it a point to read as many biographies of homosexual Christians as I can find. (“We read to know we’re not alone,” as the characters in the movie “Shadowlands” say.) Invariably, they talk about loneliness.

Source

And a really good response blog to the first article (source).

I decided I'm gonna bookmark of all the new friends I've made on xanga until I join there eventually.

http://littledrummerboy4christ.xanga.com/
http://livingx2xlives.xanga.com/
http://reedme85.xanga.com/
http://ody-dan.xanga.com/
http://carleton1958.xanga.com/

(More resources I've collected for a later time.)
http://moremusingson.blogspot.com/2009/03/what-its-like-to-be-you.html

I've decided I need to find a mentor relationship with a man who has victoriously overcome his homosexual attractions through Christ. It's time to submerse myself in a culture of devotion to Jesus as the sole provider and Saviour.

Man, I really do binge on things, don't I?!

http://captain20.xanga.com/714051392/dealing-with-depression/

Us SSA strugglers often have a real tough time with depression and it's very easy to see why:

1. It can seem like there is no hope that we will ever find love and a fulfilling relationship
2. When all of our friends seem to be getting married or having children, we end up left alone, like some misfit and dysfunctional
3. Powerful attractions that are normal in all people are in the wrong direction and we seem unable to hold them back
4. It doesn't seem to make any sense why I have this affliction
5. No one really understands what is going on for me
6. With such a private problem, I can't really share it with anyone
7. I keep fucking up
8. People can be really hurtful to me, calling me names and even passing me over for selection or promotion, just because I'm "different"

A great video from Gateway Church in Texas about Christians struggling with SSA:
http://vimeo.com/6344577

[Part 25] The Love of a Father

(November 6, 2009)

This whole binge-gaming week has really thrown off my rhythm, my flow. I haven't had my late nights or early mornings to myself and therefore haven't been able to truly process some of the things I've been going through recently.

But I've already decided I can no longer neglect the things I know I've been called to diligence in: journaling, writing, reading the Bible, prayer, intercession and being "church."

I'd say that's a pretty substantial list that requires a full measure of commitment and devotion. It's time to move past the immaturity and just do what needs to be done instead of letting circumstances dictate my outcome.

Man up!
(This phrase has multiple levels of meaning in my life)

So I plan to start plugging away at this journal again, starting today! I will be faithful to the alone time I need to find my own growth and healing.

"And, God, I thank you for bringing me all this way. It was a long journey and only your strength has the ability to sustain me along the way. I literally couldn't have done it without you. So now I live to praise your name and tell the world of your marvelous deeds! You've placed sweet words on my tongue that I can't help but speak out, shouting from every rooftop and platform available to me."

Amen!

(November 7, 2009)

(I just listened to an amazing testimony about a dad whose son told him he was gay and went through how he processed all of it.)

How do I tell my dad?

I've always wanted a father!

"God, only you can work this through in my life.
I need you now more than ever to prepare this path before me.
I long to walk in obedience to you guiding for this area of my life."

PS. Another lesson learned the hard way:
When the blogs you're reading say “warning, contains homoerotic content” that's not supposed to be a happy warning, it's supposed to tell me to turn away and no indulge my sinful side. Well, what do you know... I lost the battle tonight and had to clean up the mess, too.

I guess I'll just keep reinforcing those synaptic nerve highways for my homosexual attractions, huh? Two steps forward, one step backwards is apparently the best way to travel these days. (The sarcasm should be palpable here.)

But seriously, I'm not overly worked up about it. I think the great thing is Satan is losing his guilt, shame and condemnation over my life in these areas. It's not that I'm becoming less sensitive to Christ but that I'm finally able to recognize my sinful nature as a reality, not some grossly overexaggerated problem that only I deal with.

Believe it or not, I'm actually normal!
Wow, that's a scary thought.

"Sorry I continue to sin, God. I don't want to hurt your heart. Please forgive me, I want to walk in your power and desire to turn away from sin entirely and live in freedom and victory. In any circumstance, I'll follow you in obedience. You have my whole life, all of me. Be careful..."

[Note: there's this song I've been crushing on all throughout these last several weeks because the chorus truly speaks to my pain. I've probably heard it over 50 times or more now.]

Delirious, "Stare the Monster Down"

Is there,
Is there a place in your arms of love?
Strong enough?
Will you carry us?
Carry us through

[Part 24] Venturing "Out" Into the World

(October 31, 2009)

http://battlingchristian.blogspot.com/2007/05/hello.html
(this was link I read late last night that really got me thinking...)

Wow, I have a shit load of stuff to talk about!

First off, God is good, he's faithful, his love abounds!

I just made it through my first official “coming out” conversations and it went better than I could ever imagine. I'm so incredibly thankful that God has placed (Ezekiel) in my life as a friend, mentor, counselor and brother.

I ended up going through a condensed version of my entire YWAM experience first but eventually I worked up the nerve to read my pre-written script to him. Ultimately it worked out for the best. There's wasn't ever an awkward pause in the dialog and (Ezekiel) was so compassionate and understanding.

Perfect love casts out all fears!
Fear of judgment, fear of hurts, fear of shame and condemnation.

And secondly, or... on the flip side, I've already become friends with the (author of “The Journey” blog). I asked (Ezekiel) if he thought that was alright to which he seemed very hesitant/cautious. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand his concerns but, at this point in my life, I think I have to take a chance on this one.

But his concerns have definitely caused me to think about the motivation or purpose behind this entire relationship. I need to ask (Diakonos) his intentions and what he thinks this relationship will accomplish. Also, I want to talk open and honestly about my struggle and what that looks like for him in his life as well.

I think one of the things I'm looking for is understanding in the sense that I'm not alone in this world. I'm not the only one going through this sort of situation. I'm not insane!

Ok, so it was potentially a lot to talk about but realistically I'm just excited to be at this point in my life. I've never thought I'd come this far so obviously God is faithful. He's working his plan and it's bigger than anything I could have ever planned.

(November 2, 2009)

Last night and into this morning I talked with (Diakonos) for the very first time on the phone. That ended up being an amazing 3 hour conversation!

Just like my conversation with (Ezekiel), there's so much to say but I'm worn out emotionally on the morning after. All this honestly and transparency is definitely draining on my energy banks.

[Part 23] Press Continue After Epic Fails

(October 28, 2009)

Mark your calendars because today was an epic fail.

Naturally, this is also the day/morning I was planning on going back to (my home church) for the first time in almost a year. I always know just the right time to screw up royally!

The results are clear:
I've stumbled in a very big way tonight and I have nobody to blame but myself. I haven't been in the Word since I (left the last country to return home). I haven't invited the presence of the Holy Spirit into the start of my day since that time either. I haven't even thought about putting on the armor of God or claiming purity over my life. (These are all spiritual disciplines I've been challenging myself to work on)

Instead, I've...
Entertained every sinful fantasy in San Francisco.
Walked so close to the edge that I was bound to fall.
Become a hypocrite in the highest degree.

But in the midst of this...
I'm going to shake off the past.
Walk in rapid repentance.
Live under God's promise for my life.
Let go of the wheel and give control back over to the Holy Spirit.

And I'm not going...
to listen to Satan's lies over my life.
Remain the same.
Sit and wallow in self misery and punishment.

“God, I confess my sins of homosexuality fantasies, pornography, lust, disobedience and masturbation. Please forgive me of these sins. I long to walk in true freedom and purity. Holy Spirit, I'm sorry for grieving you and driving you away from me. I declare my heart is open once again, even in these troubled lands. Jesus, may your blood clean away all the scarring in my heart and life. I want to trust, to love, to feel again and I can't do that apart from your love as my example. Break down the existing strongholds of sexual immorality and pornography here in this house of mine. I no longer welcome these spirits of death into my life.”

[Part 22] The Long Ride Home

[Alternative title: The Long Ride Homo... haha!]
(October 24, 2009)

I'm on a plane headed for home, through several other countries, but home nevertheless!

I'm roughly 24 hours away from being back home in California and, unfortunately, I have some bad news to report: I'm still gay.

Yeah, just being at the airport was like browsing a soft porn catalog for my mind. There were attractive men around every corner. It's was a major wake-up call for me. And now I realized that this is going to be a very real, and very long process to restoration (I don't like the word “recover.” Sounds lame.)

The first step along this journey has been being real with myself.
The next step will be being real with other people.

Only then can I actually move forward in this process.
You can't fix the problem if you're not willing to talk about it.

I feel like once my struggle with homosexuality is out in the open then I'll be able to truly process the affects it has had on my past and also my present.

There's this desire to suddenly talk about everything that's ever happened in my life through this new perspective, or lens, of my homosexuality. It's shaped so many of my decisions and problems and the way I respond to everything and yet it's been hidden from others. (Ezekiel) has no idea why I said all that stuff about being “emotionally void/detached” but once he realizes I've dealt with rejection my whole life and felt completely unloved then it might begin to make a bit more sense.

In other news, I've also reached out to Diakonos so we'll see what develops due to that impending friendship. Hopefully it will be a good relationship for both of us. I'm very mindful of the fact that this is the first relationship I've ever had with another guy in which we are both completely open in our sexuality.
[Spoiler: he's the coolest guy ever!]

(October 25, 2009)
[A follow up to my 24 hour flight home.]

Gay, gay, gay!

Now I have a major crush on Zack Ephrom.
I love his hair, his body type, his beautiful face, his clothes.
This is just ridiculous!

I knew I shouldn't have watched the film "Milk" on the flight either.

I can tell I'm officially back in America because the temptation has cranked up 2,000%!
Looks like my homosexual struggle still has plenty of life left in it. Oh joy...

(October 26, 2009)

Landing in San Francisco for 24 hours wasn't a huge help to my sexuality either. I think I checked out almost every single guy that came within my line of sight. And I'm not sure if you know this but San Francisco is actually a pretty populated city which means I saw a lot of attractive men.

I even “relieved some sexual frustration” at a gas station on the way out of San Fran. I'm in no way proud of that since I really wanted to eliminate masturbation from my list of struggles. Totally missed the boat on that one!

In other news, I don't think I'm going to “come out” to my parents anytime soon. I just don't think it'll work out in any productive/health way. But following that line of reasoning I can't tell anyone who's around my family as well, which includes (blah, blah, blah) and anyone who comes over to our house.

The problem is I've been observing the words people use and the climate for homosexuality within my family and group of friends and I'm not so sure it's a safe or loving place for me.

The good news is I'm going forward with my plan to talk with (Ezekiel) and I'm also already engaging in email conversations with Diakonos. Oh, and I'm tentatively planning on meeting with (another lady) about this.

I think Satan's going to really up the heat now that I'm back on my home turf.
He's still looking to keep me in bondage, weighed down with shame and completely defeated.

But I'm looking for restoration, healing and sexual purity.

I no longer believe I need to "come out" to everyone either. Just because it seems like the complete opposite of what I'm doing right now that doesn't necessarily make it more helpful or beneficial to others, or myself.

[Part 21] The Art of Breaking

(October 23, 2009)

Ok, let's face the facts, my parents weren't the most affectionate people in the world.

I came to this conclusion when I realized that my brother and I actually tucked them in to bed each night and then ran down to our own room. Or maybe we just snuck out and would run down to their room and tell them “sleep tight, don't let the bed-bugs bite!”

Either way, after the age of five or so I was never hugs, kissed or received anything encouraging along those lines. Instead, I was tickle-tortured until I almost threw up, I was disciplined with the belt, or in a perpetual state of war with my brother.

Where am I going with all this?

Well, I think my self-proclaimed emotional detachment stems from my childhood. There's something inherently wrong when you can't cry at the thought of losing someone you know.

I feel like I'm nowhere near the level of emotional response I should be or would at least like to be just to make even myself happy. Sometimes I cry if I'm watching an especially good movie or TV show. But why can't I cry when it actually counts?

I feel like there's this great disconnectedness between my brain and my heart. Between the way I want to feel and the reactions I actually express. And I don't think it has anything to do with boys being “tough” or anything along those lines.

It might be a wall I've built up ever since elementary school since everyone used to tease me. There was never a sense of belonging in school. I wasn't the best reader, I wasn't tough enough to hang out with the boys, I wasn't athletic enough to play sports, I wasn't cute enough to have a girl like me, I wasn't rich enough to attract any attention, and the list goes on.

But at the same time, I've never even once struggled with suicide. I keep reading about how much higher the suicide rate is among the homosexual community and it boggles my mind.

Did God keep me from the feeling of hopelessness?
Even my struggles with depression have been barely more than a blip on the radar. It's almost as if I've been intensely optimistic even from the beginning. I knew I didn't have much but God was teaching me that there's always more he's wanting and waiting to give. So I've know some small glimpse of his faithfulness even from the time I was a child.

(to be continued)

[Note: I never followed up with this entry in my journal but I find I have more to say on the subject right now. I've been hit recently with the realization of extreme bitterness and anger towards my brother and father, something I thought I had moved past. I think part of the problem for me was that I made an intentional decision from the very early age of five or six that I hated my family and consequently wasn't able to receive any love from them whatsoever. It didn't help that no one offered me love in a way I could accept anyway. I remember countless arguments over things that seemed petty to them but were fundamental to the core of my heart.

I've always felt so incredibly fragile, like a glass object trying to live and grow amongst boulders and steel. I was always the one who ended up internalizing the pain and brokenness. They were the oblivious ones upon which all things simply glanced off. In a strange sense, I understand what it must be like to have a terrible illness like "brittle bone" disease. You try so hard to fit in with the world but it breaks you down by its very nature. Can the two ever truly coexist?

Only now has God begun to reveal to me the benefits of being emotionally sensitive and fragile. Glass has valuable properties when used correctly. God created me with a purpose.]

[Part 20] Your Life & My Dreams

(October 22, 2009)

I continue to find and read more “gay Christian” blogs whenever I find time online. Part of it is to search out someone I can relate to and also begin a friendship with. But the other part is that my flesh still seeks erotic gay stories, just being honest here. It's like I'm somehow hoping someone will post some really juicy stories about their sex-capades.

I actually sort of found that today, but in a redeeming form. This one man had been living the quintessential gay lifestyle, boyfriend and everything, when we was repeatedly pursued by a woman who wanted him to come to a saving relationship with Jesus. Eventually he cracked and hasn't been the same since. The weird thing is he literally hadn't worked out any of his life beforehand. It was the church who just yanked him out of his old sinful environment and gave him room to breathe and grow at someone else's house.

There's so many atypical things that stick out in this story.
(http://icarusalways.blogspot.com/2009/09/brief-bio.html)

First, there's this woman that wants so much for this random gay man to come to know Christ that she follows him all over his world, the gay bars, coffee shops, wherever!

Second, he actually accepts her offer and encounters Jesus at her church, which is apparently a pretty accepting place if he felt comfortable enough to bring his boyfriend and enjoy the sermon at the same time. What the heck does that church even look like?!

And thirdly, it's crazy that he literally left his old life behind, not just figuratively but literally. He started anew in Christ, even before he had it all worked out or any answers about the pretty obvious questions about his sexuality.

What kind of implications does his testimony have for my own life?

Am I pursuing others like this woman did?
Am I being a church that is accepting of sinners?
Am I willing to change my entire life, to leave the old behind?

(Complete topic shift)

What would it look like to be so comfortable in my own sexuality that I could meet and girl and let her know that I'm not sexually attracted to her but I still want to marry her? haha

I'm pretty sure that's not going to be a winning pick up line but that's where I'm at. I'd like to think it'll start out as a solid friendship, a relationship with no secrets from the very beginning.

Sort of like me divulging from the start that I'm broken but willing to work on it. I'm just looking for someone to come along side me and love me in spite of my brokenness.

I think a lot of my healing will also come from having solid, honest relationships with other men. Once I get over that fear of man and tell them and see that they still love me anyway I think there's going to be a lot of freedom in that.

Then reality sets in...

And I don't feel like my current situation in back home is the place that's going to happen.

How will I talk with my family, friends and church? It seems nearly impossible to my human mind.

[Part 19] Hard Questions & New Sensations

(October 20, 2009)

I just read this blog that asked the question, “What if you don't change?” to which my intial reaction was, “Screw that!”

Let’s talk about the fact that some of us are not going to experience change in our sexual orientation and the implications that has on our lives:

1. How do you feel about the fact that your same-sex attraction may not change? How does that affect the decisions you make for your life?
2. If you do not affirm homosexuality, what would you say to these ex-ex-gays who have clearly put blood, sweat and tears into trying to do what they believed was right?
3. If you do affirm homosexuality, what is it about the lack of change in sexual orientation that made you believe homosexuality is okay?
4. How does change or lack of change in our life circumstances relate to Christian theology and the Christian life?

But then I read and enjoyed another post on a different gay Christian blog entitled “My Hope.” I found this to be a very good response.

So what does that all boil down to for me?

I want to get married.
I want sex, even if it's with a woman (I'm pretty sure it'll still be good).
I want to have children (both with my wife and via adoption).

I don't want to live this life alone.
I don't want to be celibate until death.
I don't want to be childless.

That's where I'm at, for better or for worse.
I imagine, one day, I'll look back at this and see how far God has brought me.
I already know it's going to take an amazing woman to put up with me as her gay husband.

I don't know how I'm going to get from here to there but I'm pretty sure my future wife is going to be the most godly, patient, understanding, and beautiful woman I've ever met!

The thing I like about “My Hope” post is that I recognize my ultimate responsibility is obedience to what God has called me to in through Scripture, sanctification.

And that's why Jesus is my hope.

(October 21, 2009)

Well this is certainly a new sensation!

Ever since I “outed” myself to (the girls) I've been thinking about what it'd be like to actually verbally express these thoughts I've always had running through my mind.

I still find myself still filtering random thoughts like, “Oh, he's pretty hot!” or backing down any time I want to refer to myself as gay.

To be honest, I'm not sure how comfortable they would be with me if I started doing that.

Ultimately, I don't think I want to become comfortable with these actions or labels either but somehow I feel like they're a resting point on my journey towards wholeness and purity.

Just the fact that I can even be honest, in public, would be a huge victory for my broken self-esteem. I want nothing more than to move past the denial stage and begin accepting things as they are so they won't stay that way any longer.

[Part 18] Coming Out All Over Again

(October 19, 2009)

A song rang through my heart and mind today as I walked about the city:

“I life my eyes up, unto the mountains, where does my help come from?
My help comes from you, maker of heaven, creator of the earth.

Oh how I need you, Lord. You are my only hope, you're my only prayer.
So I will wait for you, to come and rescue me. Come and give me life.”

...

Praise God for his faithfulness!

Last night I had this great, ridiculously honest prayer time with (two awesome girls) in my room. The entire time I felt like God was calling me to a greater level of openness and freedom in my relationship with them and also in my own journey with Christ.

So I essentially “came out” to them, again.

One of the things that had been hounding me from my experience in (YWAM lecture phase) was that when (one of the leaders) and other staff asked me if I wanted or needed any accountability in the area of my sexual sin I shied away.

It's funny, in a very tragic sense, how fear can still continue to keep us in this bondage and death grip, even after we've crossed all the major hurdles.

I had already confessed to the entire YWAM team my struggles with homosexuality, pornography and everything else, and yet... I still didn't embrace the discipleship that would lead to healing.

I feel so weird now because there's these people in my life that I actually share my burdens with. I no longer have to live in isolation or fear of condemnation. And God orchestrated the whole thing! Everything from the first prayer for my future wife to one of the girls saying she loves me no matter what I tell her.

God knew exactly the words I needed to hear!
He loves me, of this I am sure.
I walk in his confidence, his assurance.

[Note: It's rather interesting looking back in time at this moment because I feel like this was my very first real taste of ever talking with another human being about my homosexuality. I had never once talked with anyone else about it in my entire life, other than God. Haha, and you should have seen how much of a big baby I was being that night too! So that night marked a major turning point for me because from then on I knew I had true friends that still loves me after seeing all aspects of my life. Talk about chains of bondage being broken! Praise God.]

[Part 17] Good Internet VS Bad Internet

(October 18, 2009)

It's past midnight...

Today began more promising than it finished.

I woke up late enough to miss the crowd of people leaving for (the city) which meant I missed out on my last opportunity to see anything else before I leave (this country).

I then had plenty of time to go through my photos of (people from the city) and edit them so I could take them to be printed out. It turns out (the internet cafe) prints photos on stock paper for relatively cheap and they even let me cut my prints for free, just because they like me.

From there, I proceeded to the YWAM Base to sent out my latest prayer update email. Progress was being made slowly but steadily until, out of nowhere, everyone jumped online and began to suck the internet right out from underneath me. It was all downhill after that.

I wasn't able to send the email out via (my email marketing client), no matter how hard I tried. Eventually my "eternal battery" ran out and I was ready to quit for the night, very unhappily might I add. But then I noticed (a friend's) computer was available so I tried to use that instead. The internet wasn't much better but I was able to log in and come to the very last dialog box before the official send button. Unfortunately, Google Chrome couldn't handle the page at all and kept freezing up. Oh, and in the meantime I was trying to use my flash drive to get some movies but it had viruses on it! (The lesson I learned is be careful where you go around sticking your drive or else you might catch a few diseases.)

And then I stumbled (pun intended) upon some banner ads of sexy men on lifehacker.com. I officially can't use a browser without adblock plus. I'm just not strong enough yet, or ever.

Which brings me to my first fail of the day, that cute shirtless guy. The second fail was while I was taking a shower. The moral of the story here is don't play with fire, unless you want to get burned. Apparently I still like to get burned. Maybe less than before but not quite none.

So why do I look?
And why do I flirt with fire?

I mean, I've been reading all these "gay Christian" blogs that share about their childhood histories and what led them to where they are now so I've been thinking a lot about it. They all throw out these matter-as-a-fact answers to what led them to their current state.

But what's my response?

Why do I look?
When did I first know?
What happened in my past that's led me to where I am now?
What are the areas I'm lacking?
What were the lies I believed and bought into back then?
What are they now?

I'm not even going to attempt to tackle these big questions tonight.
Perhaps tomorrow... (after I send out that stupid support letter, internet not withstanding).

[Part 16] Lives Built On Lies & the Need to Be Touched

[Note: Again, these questions are just some of the thoughts running through my head as I began to finally process all the things I had completely compartmentalized for the entirety of my life leading up to this point]

(October 16, 2009)

Questions for life (for wise counsel):

Is it okay for me to work at a church?
How many people do I have to tell about my struggle?
To what degree do I have to disclose my past?
What's the "church" supposed to do with me?

(Later that day...)

I'm tired of living a lie, or hiding the truth, I should say.

It's perpetually discouraging every single time I have to talk about my non-existent “previous girlfriends” or what qualities I find most attractive about women. It's frustrating not being able to just be honest about my struggles and find healing. Instead, the lying about it further prevents or delays the healing process. I'm teaching myself to mask over the truth, to deny the reality and to live in the constant fear.

Sometimes I just wish I could be open with everyone about what I'm going through!

Not to mention I'm continually offered jobs within the church. That only perpetuates the cycle.

“God, break through the spiritual strongholds that holding me captive, establish your Kingdom in my life today!”

(October 17, 2009)

Different kind of SSA thoughts:

I've come to the decision that an online community of fellow Christian brothers with SSA won't lead to my full healing. That's not to say they won't play a major part in the healing process because, in that sense, they already have. Rather, so many of the things I'm looking for can only be found in genuine, offline relationships.

I need to physically cry on someone's shoulder, embrace someone's hug, have them lay their hands over me for prayer, or punch me when I need to snap out of my funk.

In terms of accountability, I think I'd also like to transition away from software and towards actual admission and confession. The idea of being “caught” or "called out" never really leads to a full maturity of my own mental and sexual purity. Instead, it places the burden on my accountability partner and it creates this “How much can I get away with?” game that my sinful nature is all too eager to play. The alternative would be a relationship that's so open and loving that I can simply run to him any time I've fallen, regardless of the when, where, why, how.

I think a lot of these anonymous Christians use their blogs for accountability but it doesn't truly work unless there's that person that's willing to be there for them in a tangible sense.

[Part 15] Depression & Drinking

(October 14, 2009)

I guess it's fitting that I have Matt Redman playing again.

The song “When My Heart Runs Dry” is very appropriate for my current mood: discouraged.

I just binged on reading "struggling-gay-Christian-guys" blogs today and the results are mixed.

On one hand, I'm encouraged that there's such an established online blogging community for someone in my position. It's almost as if I'm nothing new, just another number joining the ranks, a rather sobering fact.

But on the other hand, I'm completely discouraged by some of the stories I've heard. I felt myself fall backwards a bit in faith and give a new foothold of doubt to Satan, if only for the briefest of moments.

Eventually I just ended the reading altogether, especially after my failed attempts to contact any of the blog authors directly and yet anonymously.

I also feel like, at this point, if (Ezekiel) has been following my online accountability at all then he must have been tipped off to my struggles. (Come to find out I'm pretty sure the free software I use isn't geared toward gay porn, haha)

Again, that sort of works in my favor either way. If he knows then the conversation might be that much easier when it happens. Being found out isn't the worst thing at this point.

Wow, I really am a wuss! I just realized I'm too scared to rip off my own band-aid for healing but I'll let others do it.

The other part that was discouraging was all the comments from non-Christians who say my homosexual attraction is completely "normal and acceptable" and dog on my reasons for no longer wanting to have it. Like I somehow hate myself or who God made me to be.

Which, is true to a certain extent...
I absolutely hate this unending battle with my old sinful nature!

But the whole argument seems to have more validity or weight when it's in the frame of sexual orientation. Even if it was just a simple heterosexual problem like lust then somehow it wouldn't seem as bad to me.

...

“God, I don't want to start this downward spiral into despair, isolation and self-hatred. I can already see it beginning as I try to press into your chest. Instead, I want, I long to hear your heart beat again my ears, feel your loving warmth as I sit upon your lap, taken in the security of your arms as they hold me close. There's this gaping hole in my life that only your healing power can bring restoration to.

Come and heal me,
Come and fill me,
I want to feel Your touch.”

(October 15, 2009)

I think the often-sought answer to the question, “What kind of drunk would I be?” is sadly, "A gay drunk."

That's to say I would probably backslide and do things I'd never want to otherwise. I'd compromise my entire integrity and spiritual reputation.

I don't actually have much to share today other than I had a rather large beer on an empty stomach at (a local bar) and it made me a kind of tired and a little more honesty, not that that's a bad thing.

[Part 14] Tell Me What I Want to Hear

(October 13, 2009)

Oh joy... frustration.

There are a lot of thoughts flowing through my mind right now so I guess I'll just do my best to tackle them with the semblance of some sort of systematic approach.

First off, I started my time on the internet today with me trying to download this podcast on the development of human's sexual orientation. Basically, it was just science's answer to why I'm attracted to a guy's dick instead of women like the typical male.

And therein lies the problem...

The struggle really comes down to who I'm listening to for answers: God (who created all things and redeems all things, even though I feel like life completely sucks for me until that point) or science (which says that my sexual attraction is completely fine and I should be able to sleep around with whoever the hell I want... God is dead, react accordingly).

I keep wavering between what I want to hear and what God has always said. I guess that's just the summary of every fallen man's life, huh?

But mine's different. It has to be, because if it's not so entirely different than everyone else's struggle then I'd actually have to own up to how much of a wuss I really am. Suddenly my selfish desires would be just like everyone else's and I don't think I'm ready for that to be true anytime soon.

DIE TO YOURSELF!

Conquer selfish desires: “check!”
Ok, moving right along...

So then I found this new blog from a 20 year old guy who is also writing about his struggles with same-sex attraction.

Wow, only 20 and he's already ahead of me?!

God, why have I been so slow, so stubborn, so fearful of everything being brought into the light for you to heal? That could have been me three years ago! Where would I be right now if I had been honest with myself that long ago and sought help?

So, as I read through his entire blog in one sitting (a trend that's becoming increasingly common with me), I began to think about the progress I've made in my own life. A bit of a reflection of sorts.

I can confidently declare that my faith has been transformed so incredibly much even compared to just six months ago. God has never stopped loving me, teaching me or providing for me. He has more than earned the title of “Faithful to the Unfaithful” in my life.

Yet how can such a glaring sinfulness still exist in my body? How can he continue to use me when I don't even feel worthy of use? I find myself praying that he'll use me as his tool, his vessel, but he already does. He's never stopped! It's as if he does it despite my weakness.

But I'm not willing to settle for what I have right now. I'm expectant for complete transformation. I need it. I honestly don't want to live without it!

As I read back over my own journey I realized this journal has been one of the most consistent exercises I've performed, more than reading my Bible or prayer. The good news is God is working on me in those areas as well.

Moving Forward

I'm already trying to talk to one blogging-brother and failed but I want to try with Diakonos and see what happens. I know I'm almost four years older than him but he's definitely ahead of me in the restoration process so there's plenty to be learned from him.

I've been working on steps to take once I'm home that will set me on the right track for transformation. I need to call (Ezekiel) and also set up a meeting with (Eve) and go from there. I think they're the best two people equipped to help/handle my struggle/pain. The weird thing is I just keep picturing/wondering how much I'm going to cry when I tell them all this. And even more so, I'm freaking out about the future where I'll have to one day tell my family. (Yes, I have a love-affair with the backslash!)

"Oh God, I can't do any of this without your power and you know it! I'm crying out for help, desperate for restoration. I'm willingly submitting to the flames of purification but that still doesn't mean it doesn't burn!"

*falls asleep to Matt Redman*

[Part 13] Morning Wood & Dirty Secrets

(October 10, 2009)

Come on now!

Something seems entirely unfair about waking up with morning wood and lustful thoughts in my head. It's like I'm starting off failing, set up for failure.

How do you prepare for something like that?

I guess that's just one more thing I have to bring to God in prayer, before I ever go to bed.

Yeah, so I screwed up today, not once but twice.
Go big or go home, right?

(when I went to write “home” it auto-popped up with “homosexual.” Haha, go big or go homosexual!)

And the guilt and shame carried into the rest of the day, hence the twice part. It's as if once you've messed up the whole day is a scratch and you're free to do whatever you want. I can't believe this is the way I think and operate!

The other thing that's been bugging me is whenever I'm hanging out with kids they begin to play with all the hair on my arms or legs and sometimes I get a bit of a boner. That's honestly the last thing I'm thinking about but the touching just sort of naturally triggers it. I guess it's equivalent to guys who struggle with constantly having wet dreams. (I can't relate because I've never had one, oddly enough.)

“God, I'm sorry for sinning today. Please forgive me and strengthen me in you so that next time I will not stumble. Thank you for your unconditional grace. I want to experience your love anew each morning.”


(October 11, 2009)

God has my number... again!

Today at (church) the guest speaker's sermon was on God's grace and how it fully cleanses us of our defilement.

Sexual sin defiles us.
It defiles me.

There's a reason I want to wash off after every time I've done something sexually that I shouldn't have. I'm not living under what he would have for my life, purity.

Another powerful line: Christians shouldn't have any dirty secrets.
What kind of crap is that?!

Ahh, but it's so true!
But it's too challenging for me to live out in practice.
I'm too scared to out myself to everyone I know.
There's too much I'll have to deal with.

[Part 12] "The Rehearsal"

[Background info: I finally mustered up the resolve to tell one of my best friend/mentor about my struggle with homosexuality. This is the script I wrote out in preparation and ended up reading to him over the phone on the first week I was back home from YWAM.]

(October 09, 2009)

(Ezekiel), do you still care for me?
... love me?

Can I confide in you?
... trust you?

Can I confess something to you, as my accountability partner?
... as a brother?

I've never shared this openly with anyone before.

The reason I've decided to tell you, what I'm about to say, is that I value our friendship, your respect for me and your wise counsel.

God has been working on my heart over this last year while I've been (traveling the world with YWAM). Over that time I've allowed him to really come into my life and work on cleaning out all the crap. But the problem is that I only let him start with the small rocks and pebbles and now the only thing left is this giant boulder. I'm still living a compartmentalized life as long as I don't deal with this unconfessed sin. There's this work God wants to do but my fears are holding him at bay.

Another reason why I wanted to share with you is because you're no longer here in (California). In a sense, that disconnect gives me security, anonymity.

So as I seek to bring all areas of my life under the lordship of Christ there remains one holdout, my sexuality.

I've had homosexual attractions since my very early teenage years and they're still with me.

I believe God is calling me to confess this sin to you, first and foremost, because you've been my only real accountability partner. Also, I want to walk in obedience to the scriptures that call us to confess our sins one to another.

It's this hidden sin that has always been the cause of all of my inner turmoil. All those hours of me crying about how disconnected and emotionless I feel stem back to this one last stronghold in my life.

So here I am, fully exposed before you in the truest sense of the word.

I'm lost, helpless, afraid and alone.
But I want things to change!

I'm looking for direction, for help, for courage and for community.

I don't know what to do going forward from here. But I feel like I can't begin to heal and reintegrate back into the church until I come to grips with this sin.

I don't want to be a hypocrite anymore.

[Part 11] Lies & Late Nights

(Midnight: October 6, 2009)

I don't understand this war taking place inside of me, over my flesh.
It's between my old sinful nature and the new nature God wants to pour out on me.

In Bible Study today we talked about how an old wineskin can't house or hold new wine.
It'll burst open. And yet here I am, still fighting over the same stupid temptations.

I ended up looking through a ton of pictures with this girl today and my flesh wanted to stop every single time I saw a good looking guy. I guess I should also mention many of them were shirtless Abercrombie-type poses too. How convenient!

How can one side of me be so incredibly gay and yet the other side thirst and desire after the things of God's kingdom? Am I just the world's biggest hypocrite or is this how every guy feels in his struggle with lust? I feel like I could bone the next guy that gives me the time of day. Honestly, it's as if there's been absolutely no progress in pursuit of purity and opposite-sex attractions.

Man, dealing with sin is a bitch. Or maybe just for me because I've chosen to keep my struggles a secret from everyone I know.

And every day that passes by I have to lie about “which girls I like/would date/marry/etc.” Lies continue lies. They're self-sustaining, perpetuating.

(October 8, 2009)

Today, during (Bible study), we talked about strongholds, struggles and addictions. More than ever I want to be free from homosexuality but the problem is people don't know I struggle with it and it'd be a huge shocking surprise.

I think the next lie I have to defeat is that my problem is going to be some sort of burden or inconvenience for others to deal with.

I just need to stay focused on building up God's strongholds of truth and toppling Satan's strongholds of lust and homosexuality.

But there's also the part about us, as Christians, already having victory in Christ. Jesus' work on the cross already paid the full price for my sin. Why am I still living in bondage then?

Do I have Stockholm's Syndrome?

Have I been institutionalized?

[Part 10] Lust In Church

(October 4, 2009)

I attended church with some YWAM friends this Sunday.

Aside from being an entirely mediocre experience, I found myself really struggled with lust during the service. Almost every guy in the congregation was attractive.

They all had the hipster style down to a "t". Extra long v-neck shirts that show too much skin on every side, the coolest haircuts, tight pants that are cut way too low, etc.

There was even this one guy who was up on stage in the worship team who seemed super awkward because he was all muscles and nothing much else. He was super distracting for me.

The only thing I could do was invite the Holy Spirit into the midst of my struggles. I'm not sure how biblical that is or what but I just feel like it's the next step in breaking down the great walls of compartmentalization I've established in my life.

Instead of trying to face these temptations alone, away from the Holy Spirit, I've decided to give him complete access to my life, to be there and go through my darkest hours along with me.

The whole thing sounds sort of mystical or wonky but the main thing is that I'm learning to trust him. I'm no longer hiding from him in the closet and then coming out when I'm bleeding.

In my mind, it's like deciding to let others see you when you're getting drunk, high, strung out, etc.

So, if nothing else, I learned to take steps towards transparency and honesty at church this last Sunday. How's that for progress?!

[Part 9] When Kings Stay Home

(October 3, 2009)

Just like when King David stayed home and got bored, I woke up this morning and started screwing around instead of getting up and active.

Boredom leads to stupid stuff.

So I jacked off this morning, there was a little gay fantasy at first but eventually it became based entirely on the physical pleasure.

The worst thing is God continually gives me chances to make a different decision. Right when I was going for the bathroom (one of the girls in the house) came down stairs and used it. Instead of letting go, I just decided to wait it out. I had already committed/made up my mind.

How do I get to the point where I'm able to actually turn in the opposite direction?
(I believe it's called repentance, no?)

I know I need the empowering of the Holy Spirit, first thing in the morning, Every day!
I think there's also still some sort of false promise I'm buying into from Satan's lies.

The truth:
Fleeting physical pleasure pails in comparison to the purity and righteous found when I walk in obedience to Christ.

So, each and every day, I have to decide if those few brief seconds are worth the long-lasting effects on my relationship with God, with others and with my future wife.

[Part 8] Trust & Forgetfulness

(September 28, 2009)

Status report: I'm still attracted to men, especially the hot Asian guy in Memoirs of a Geisha. After the movie was over I even went back and found the one scene of him with his shirt off. Women remain beautiful but do nothing for me sexually.

Also, I told God that I'm ready to trust him the other day.
I have no idea what that means.

(September 30, 2009)

I don't know what God's up to over here in (this country) but it's certainly exciting!

I'm mean, seriously!
After receiving a letter of prophecy over my life from (Esther), I've been challenged to call on the Holy Spirit daily to guide my steps. And every day has been amazing! Nothing happens by accident, nothing is a coincident, to say so would be a disservice to God's orchestrated plan.

I just spent tonight reading over all of my various documents that I recorded during YWAM, including this one. Many of them I read to (my best friend), which made her cry. I'd like to think it wasn't just the fact that she's also sick and in great pain right now. I ended up praying for her tonight too.
(She's a great sport and already knows that I end up laughing at her pain because I'm such a jerk, sorry!)

I don't want to rush God's transforming power or anything but I could really use some sexual purification right about now! Or conveniently before I leave (this place).

Having read over this whole homosexual journal gives me an appreciation for God's faithfulness and patience, in spite of my unfaithfulness and forgetfulness. It's amazing how quickly we can stray from the Lord.

This morning I entertained quite a bit of old fantasies in my head. One was the very first porno I watched over at my neighbor's house. It's still odd thinking back to the fact that I was watching it for the dick while all the other guys were there for the girls. And then, on top of all that, I tried to recall all the very first gay porn images I had viewed back when we had dial-up internet.

Lust knows no limits...

The basic lesson here is not to play with your morning wood. It's as simple as that. Sometimes the benefit of living in a house of all girls is that I'm too embarrassed to ever be caught with a boner so I end up instantly losing it.

[Part 7] A Process

(September 24, 2009)

I'm officially one month away from going home, which makes it the 24th, and today just so happened to be a pretty great day! I had an awesome first 11am Bible study in (the slums) where (Isaiah) talked about “judging others.” I felt there was a lot of truth exchanged and a recognition that everything starts with our realization of how God loves, forgives and transforms us.

These three areas are strongly in play around my struggles with homosexuality. I have to recognize who he is in each of these areas and I'm only just learning how to do this, only just beginning to experience it, to walk in it.

God loves me as his very own child. He's my heavenly Father who will never abandon me. Nothing can ever separate me from his love.

God's forgiveness of my sin is infinite and final. His grace is sufficient. There's no amount of work or earning I can do, this is a gift because of his love for me.

God is faithful to carry out his work into completion. He's a father that cares enough to bring about change for my life. His work is specific and custom fit for me. He renews my thoughts, my mind, my attractions.

So the phrase, “sanctification is a process” has been thrown around quite a bit lately along with, “I'm only human.” I think I need to ponder on these for awhile longer.

...

“God...”
“Yes, son?”
“How long is 'a process?' ”
“Well, my timing is perfect”
“Yeah, I know, but...”
“But it helps if you're obedient to my prompting...”
“Ok, I want to be but my brokenness makes openness hard”
“That's why I'm calling you to place your hand in mine and trust me”
“... I'm trying... I want to... but... ahhh... I want to!”
“ 'The God of Heaven and Earth has the power to redeem and restore your life.' Do you believe that?”
“Yes, but give me faith so as not to doubt!”

[Part 6] Faithful to the Unfaithful

[WARNING: This entry contains rather open discussions of a sexual nature, aka masturbation. Just letting you know beforehand.]

(September 15, 2009)

It's only 10:38pm here at the (place I'm staying) but it feels so much later due to jet lag and fatigue. I'm finally feeling at “home” here now. Last night, while staying at the Retreat Center, I already failed my “no masturbation in (this continent)” pact. I was pretty pissed that I already failed, especially since it happened as I was praying in the shower and asking God for new purity. I learned not to play with myself in the shower at all or else it's just a downhill battle from there.

Being in a surf town is also a bit distracting/tempting for me. There's plenty of "surfa brahs" all running around, looking great...

I've just been reminded of my other pact to start working out and prayer/read/journal daily. That's part of the reason I slipped the other day, I wasn't prepared in the Word.

(Fast forward a few days later)

Let's cut the the chase... 8:00pm here in the House.

Sex is alluring.
Sin is sticky.
(and hard to wash off)

The lie of Satan: promising something he can never deliver.
The joys of sin are temporary, fleeting, ephemeral.

And I'm just the same idiot boy who falls for it every freaking time!

Confession: I went to use the public bathrooms during a trip to (this small artsy beach town with friends) and promptly found free packages of condoms in a dispenser in the bathroom. The internal mental struggle ensued while I pissed on the weird metal wall which composed the urinal.
Guess which side won out this time?
My flesh...

From there I couldn't wait to get home and try one out, in spite of the fact I knew I didn't want to continue to feed the addictions of masturbation. Having never actually seen a condom before, or even used one, I ripped one open even while still at the station and figured a few things out. Soon enough the stickiness and smell of the lubricating oil was on my hands. (In hindsight I sound so sheltered, sort of like a home schooler, it's almost humorous! I guess private Christian school really did keep me away from some things.)

On the way home I ended up bumping into (and friend of mine) and had to shake his hand. Shame was now mounting under my impending decision to try out one of these condoms. It was as if he was placed there by God to intercept me. If only I would have listened or heeded the warning...

I'm home. Time to crack the next one open, regardless of the risk or consequences.
I don't think it's a coincident that none of the bathrooms in this house have doors that lock.

But I press on.

And just like that, it's over.

I'm completely under-whelmed. Seriously, I've had way better.
Is that what sex is supposed to be like? Well, I mean, if it wasn't just me and my hand?

Now comes the flood of conviction that I had successfully suppressed up to this point.

I have to bury the evidence!
Where can I hide this crap?

I sure hope no one ever digs through the trash for any reason or else I'll have a lot of explaining to do. Then again, getting caught isn't the worst thing in the world.

Yeah, I'm still at a point in life where I'm longing for accountability even if it comes via the worst possible method. I just want people to know what my struggles truly are and not have to walk around with these careful lies and endless longings.

So what have I learned from this latest experience?

Sex is so seductive but completely unsatisfying out of God's intended context.

God is ever present and extending his hand for relationship and intimacy with me, if only I'll let him in and begin to trust.

Even after all was said and done, the girls invited me to come read the Bible at the coffee shop with them. And (another friend) wanted me to come with her to the Base as well.

God is always faithful, always watching, always pouring out hope.
(Even in the midst of my unfaithfulness and despair.)

[Part 5] Continental Shift

(September 6, 2009)

I found myself almost immediately checking out all the great looking guys in the US and also the guys from Europe. (The country I just left) was definitely a blessing in that regard. There weren't a lot of great looking guys I had to deal with. I managed to make it through the whole flight without too much of a fight. I purposely avoided the Chatnum Tanning film, Fight, just because of his shirtless body (although I watched the trailer rather gleefully). But there was also a scene in Sunshine Cleaning that caught me off guard. Definitely a lot of ass in that film.

Overall, I don't want to be prematurely optimistic but I feel like there's been less and less of a struggle with SSsA (same-sex sexual attractions). Part of that change comes from not seeing any real porn this year, except for the one slip right before YWAM.

Also, knowing that it's helped "Growing into Manhood" with his struggles pushes me to work on my own same-sex emotion deficit problems. Turning my attraction from sexual to emotional seems really weird and still just as gay but I think it's way healthier than the alternative. I want some manly hugs, spending time together and just being able to share openly about all the things I'm struggling with right now alone in my head.

No man is an island. No man is a life raft. No man can save himself.

Help isn't only appreciated, it's necessary. Required, in fact.

Why are we so busy drowning alone instead of keeping each other afloat?

I need to open my eyes to those suffering, dying and drowning around me. Those just within arm's reach that I can save. There's so many if only I would extend my hand!

Now that I'm here in (this new country and continent) I have to own up on all the promises I've made with myself. No more masturbation, no more entertaining fantasies. Time to bounce my eyes or, at the very least, train my mind to view other men as emotional brothers.

“to the person who struggles with certain temptations, he needs an outpouring of the Holy Spirit in the gifts of the Spirit; self-control.”

[Part 4] Preparing for Departure

(September 4, 2009)

I just adjusted my computer to something close to (my new country's) current time. It's 8:22pm and I'm attempting to be alone in the midst of this large group. This file has quickly transitioned into my un-official journal for all things dealing with my SSsA (same-sex sexual addiction) struggles, a termed coined from my soon-to-be online mentor and friend.

Living in community seems to be diametrically opposed to keeping secrets and dealing with things on your own. I'm in the process of finding out if that's the way God intended it to be or not. My Western upbringing tells me that I should be entitled to my own private life, separate from the group.

But even as I think about what I've just typed I'm reminded of Adam's relationship with God in the Garden of Eden. There was a complete freedom of truth in their relationship. Adam was fully exposed before God in every aspect of his life, including thoughts, and it was perfect in the beginning.

It's the Fall that brought about fragmentation, fear, separation, doubt, rejection, and pain. So I guess that means there's a better alternative to the separation I'm experiencing right now. If I wasn't afraid of judgment and ensnared in lies then I should have been seeking relationships for processing on this healing journey.

Timing has been rough for my new online friendship. But I'm continually reminded and grateful for God's perfect, intentional timing. If this is when it happened there must be a reason for it. Who am I to complain?

[Part 3] Moments of Weakness

(September 2, 2009)

I'm only two days away from leaving (the Western Hemisphere for the Easter Hemisphere).

My mind has been running a million miles a minute in regards to my homosexual sin-nature.
I've probably jacked off more times than I'd like to admit here in (this country) but pornography wise, things have been pretty good. Instead, my struggle has come from looking at the vast sea of real life men. Fortunately for me, none of them are very attractive.

Moments of weakness...

I have to confess that I'd thought about “accepting my homosexuality” and running away to some secret place to embrace it. But there's one little problem: it never really works out with what I know to be true of God and the Bible and my faith experiences. Even the very first prophecy over my life mentioned specifically my sexual healing and path towards purity in Christ.

In comes some great blogs:
http://nprocess.blogspot.com/
http://growingintomanhood.blogspot.com/

The latter of which has really blown my mind. I wouldn't say it's a straight up :God intervention" situation but it definitely offers me some much-needed hope in this fight for purity.

Again, I'm convinced/convicted of full transparency leading to healing for others! Why am I not doing this yet?

The things that really stand out to me are the difference between same-sex sexual attraction and same-sex emotional attraction. It's honestly the latter that I'm after.

But all of this reading about homosexuality online just might begin to tip Ezekiel off to the truth about my struggles. With that said, I'm still trying to figure out how his not actually coming down to (this country) works out in God's perfect plan. I guess I'll have to wait on this one to see what amazing story of redemption God is writing.

...

I think I'm going to contact the author of “Growing Into Manhood”

I've been reading through his entire blog, countless pages, and some of them have hit me hard. I don't need to blog most of my life because he already did it for me. He has the same struggles, longings and desires I have. And the amazing thing is that he's made it to the other side.

Life is possible.
The lies aren't immortal, they can die.

I even cried on the post about his terrible relationship with his older brother. Too many easy (clear) similarities there! But the thing that stabbed me in the heart was realizing that I don't want to recognize my love for my brother only after he's dead.

[Part 2] Of All the Places...

(August 3, 2009)

Here I sit, in the middle of a very public hostel in (the Western Hemisphere), dealing with my issues.

Why is fear so strong? So controlling? So debilitating?

I feel like I'm having a sexual breakdown as the walls close in!

All my life it's been fear that's kept me from freedom. You just don't talk about that kind of stuff! Even now, no one will ever understand you. You're supposed to be perfect already and here you say you're still smack dab in the middle of your homosexual struggles? What a fag!

Now, suddenly, life is becoming compartmentalized for completely different reasons. There's these two parts to God's healing and truth. The part where it sounds fine and dandy and the part where you actually have to deal with the results or application in your own life.

How do I reconcile these two parts in my own life?
Can I, the clay, ever challenge the will of the potter, the Creator?

Why did he make me like this? Or was it just me?
When is he going to step in and fix me? Or do I just have to figure it out?

I'm drowning in these flood waters of shame and guilt. There's no one to turn to... seemingly.

I'm faced with a choice: do I give up my entire reputation and pride for the hope of healing and freedom or do I just keep everything hidden and hope, one day, it'll all work out?

Can I confess everything to Ezekiel? How will he handle it?
(For the sake of anonymity I've replaced all my friends' real names with ones from a list of names I've always loved. So far they're going to start off Biblical.)

I can already feel the pressure from tears and emotions building up behind my dammed/damned eyes. Release is coming soon...

Fear has alienated me from anyone/everyone who has ever tried to love me. From my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister, my best friends in every area of the world.
It always plays out the same.

(Note: stand alone paragraphs in quotations typically signify God talking to me, trying to assure me.)

“But there was hope in Kona. Don't you remember that little glimmer back there? That time when you confessed in front of the entire team. Didn't that count for something?”

[Part 1] Skeletons Brought Into the Light

[NOTES: the following entries are copied directly from a journal I started during this last year while in missions. In order to remain true to myself, my emotions and experiences, I'm trying not to censor them or make any changes to these entries. However, if I feel something might need clarifying then I'll use parentheses to add a comment. Also, you'll find I kept track of time in my journal by either specific moments and events or just the regular date. My goal is to post all of my journal entries up to my present point. Buckle up and enjoy the ride!

WARNING: I'm also very honest with some of the language I use and that's all intentional as well but just be aware.]


It's 12:34am, I'm laying in my bunk in the 10th (mid-June 2009) week of DTS (Discipleship Training School) at YWAM (Youth With A Mission) and this has been a long time coming!

I can't even figure out how I want to structure this whole thing, unlisted bullets? Complete sentences, paragraphs and proper punctuation?

Ahhh! I'll just throw it all out on the the table:

I've struggled with homosexual attractions since about jr. high.
As honestly as I can say, “it started off innocently enough...” with what I guess could be typical hormonal experimentation and exploration. We were just horny little kids that were figuring out how things worked for the first time.

...

But I've always liked girls. I wanted to date them. I even had crushes on them in elementary school. Somehow liking them was so ”off limits” that I didn't think I would ever be able to grow close to them. I was rejected. I was a pawn. I laughed it off. I wanted to be accepted, to be and feel loved.

Somehow...
I found that by doing something different... yeah, euphemisms... (experimenting with guys via oral sex)

I was able to so successfully compartmentalize this from the rest of my life that it wasn't even a problem. I didn't care. I started to care. I cared. It's too late. I'm screwed. I fucked up. Shit!

God, what have I done? What sort of forbidden fruit did I bit into that released all of this disgusting pain and sorrow and confusion and bitterness and apathy in/over my life?

Happened to me? Where did I fall off the deep end with nobody to catch me?
Were you there? Truth says you yes. Hindsight confirms it. But there's this problem of scars that have completely stripped away my feeling, my emotion, my nervous system.

I ran away from home. That didn't work either. I'm everywhere I go. I take me with me.
Growth is limited by my compartments. It's really becoming a problem. There's this big bullet proof glass encasement around my heart. There's no circulation in my body, just stagnation.

I run further away, but in a different direction.

The first week comes and passes. It wasn't what I came for.
The second week comes. Here it is. Shit, here it is!
Oh God, I need you! I can't do this anymore.
Ahh, my heart is screaming out. I have to go for it.

I crawl through the darkness, groping for a sledgehammer.
My hands find it.
I feel noxious.
I stand up.
I swing.
I swing...
I SWING... and I don't look back.

The glass has cracked.
The glass cracked!
Ok, but it didn't shatter.

Why didn't it shatter? Oh, because it's so thick. I built it really thick actually. This is my fault.
I have to keep swinging. This sort of thing wasn't built in a day and it's not coming down in one either.

But God, I'd really like it to be completely gone now. How can that not be your will for my life?
By the way, do you even care about me?

The Father replies, “I love you. Yes, you.” He embraces me in a prophetic hug of overwhelming love. The Holy Spirit is close.

My heart begins to beat.

There's still glass.
There's still scars.
But there's a heartbeat.

It's Not About Me

I find myself in unfamiliar territory as I embark on this next part of my spiritual and sexual journey. I take comfort in the fact that I'm surrounded by an online community of fellow believers, Christian brothers, who know exactly what I'm going through right now. To a certain extent, they've already walked this path I'm on and have progressed much further down the very same road. They've even been so kind as to leave markers and warning signs up ahead to keep me away from various pitfalls and ledges. I've already benefited greatly from their wisdom and personal testimonies. To that end, I seek to contribute the truths God has confirmed in my own life, that they may be made known to the world, one anonymous journal entry at a time!

As the last sentence attests, my writing style is a mixture of truth, testimony and snarky sarcasm. I take my faith seriously but I'm not easily offended and I have an unusual sense of humor. The moniker I use, Clay, plays into a larger picture in which God is the potter and I am the willing clay in his hands. I've given my life completely over to him and now I'm obedient clay, ready to be shaped and modeled as I follow the guiding of his Holy Spirit in every waking moment of my life.

There's much I don't know, nor do I claim to know, but the one thing his Spirit has confirmed in me is the confidence I have when I find my identity in Christ. I am the person he created me to be. I am not a mistake. I am lacking no good thing. Every experience, every trial and every tribulation I have endured during my lifetime has led up to this one point: where I realize that my God, my savior, loves me with the heart of a heavenly Father. This sole truth has eclipsed all of the "head knowledge of God" I had accumulated in my previous 20+ years of life and replaced it with a genuine experience of his love. Words fail to convey this new tangible love I've found in him! Maybe that's why the Spirit gives believers the gift of speaking in tongues.

"From here to there"

This simple phrase has been the most concise way to summarize my past, present and future. It speaks of God's faithfulness and redemptive nature at work through all aspects of my life. He has brought me this far and I cling to the promise that he's faithful to carry out the work he's begun into completion. I don't know if that means I'll experience all of my hopes and aspirations or if he will be changing my thoughts and leading me down a new, unseen path. But that's part of the wonder that is my God, never being able to see more than a few feet in front of me for fear of taking in too much for my faith to handle. His time is perfect and I know that full well.

So "here" is where I stand and "there" is where I seek to go. Only through obedience to the Holy Spirit can I ever hope to make it that far. He is the bridge for my journey between these two peaks. He is the light that illuminates the darkness and dissolves the mysteries of the unseen world. His truth exposes the lies and strongholds that I've allowed to be established in my mind for all these years. Now I have spiritual eyes to see them for what they really are.

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 (NLT)

The love of Jesus Christ displaces the fear in our hearts that keep us from fully trusting in him! Only once I experienced this love was I able to progress forward in my relationship with him. I was finally able to open up my closet and remove all the skeletons I had been hiding. Unadulterated freedom has come to my life for the very first time! How can I not tell what I have tasted and seen?! I count myself among the lepers and beggars who had encountered Jesus and walked away restored. Therefore, I find myself utterly compelled to present this Gospel of hope to all I come across. And at the same time, God has been systematically going through my past and redeeming every circumstance to his perfect plan. His love is so amazing, boundless, overwhelming and retroactive!

So how do I continue from here?

Well, there's so much story left to be told. I still have yet to properly introduce you to my whole testimony, from birth to present. There's been plenty of hurdles I've had to overcome and I'm sure I'll face many more on this road to come. Ideally, I'd love to go back to the beginning and share with you how long it's taken for me to come to this point. I can't promise it will always be entertaining or pretty but such is life. So please bear with me as I use these next few weeks to catch up with my present and press on from there. I have this sense that sharing my history and origins is like laying the foundation on which my life has been built. Everything I consist of is held under the context of my life experiences and decisions. My hope is that the more transparent I'm able to be the more healing and restoration I'll be able to find in the telling of my story. God is my author of life.

My Introduction

Let's just cut to the chase: the reason I'm here is because I'm a young Christian guy who struggles with homosexual attractions. Creating this anonymous blog allows me to further process both out loud and in community all the things I'm going through in regards to this struggle.

The interesting part in all of this is I already feel semi-involved in the "SSA-struggling Christian guy" blogosphere even though I haven't really contributed anything yet. I've already made some great friends and connections with solid Christian guys who have helped me at this pivotal time in my spiritual journey.

So I'm excited to get started on working through all the thoughts and arguments I've had to deal with on my own for so long. Being able to get involved now in a more tangible way and having the opportunity to tell my own story will hopefully assist me in this healing process as well as chronicle the stops along the way. As the title says, "This too shall come to pass..." I fully believe, whether in a year or at the end of my life, that God's faithfulness and plan will reign supreme over my life. I've already caught a glimpse of his love over this last year of my life but I'm pressing in for him to reveal even more aspects of his character to me. I want to be completely immersed in his presence!

Another purpose for this blog is to practice being open and honest and focus on telling my story. I strongly believe in the power of testimony of every Christian. When we're obedient to present our story about the work God is doing in our life then he's faithful to use that in other people's lives. I can attest to this truth in my own life just from reading the various blogs both on blogspot and xanga.

There's so much more to share but I'll save it for another blog. I have a feeling that I'll begin power blogging for this first month or so until I get everything I've already gone through (my past) caught up with where I'm currently at (my present).

Lastly, if you'd like to contact me feel free to do so at andthistooshallcometopass@gmail.com.

(And yes, I realize it's a ridiculously long email address but for the sake of continuity it made total sense.)