[Part 12] "The Rehearsal"

[Background info: I finally mustered up the resolve to tell one of my best friend/mentor about my struggle with homosexuality. This is the script I wrote out in preparation and ended up reading to him over the phone on the first week I was back home from YWAM.]

(October 09, 2009)

(Ezekiel), do you still care for me?
... love me?

Can I confide in you?
... trust you?

Can I confess something to you, as my accountability partner?
... as a brother?

I've never shared this openly with anyone before.

The reason I've decided to tell you, what I'm about to say, is that I value our friendship, your respect for me and your wise counsel.

God has been working on my heart over this last year while I've been (traveling the world with YWAM). Over that time I've allowed him to really come into my life and work on cleaning out all the crap. But the problem is that I only let him start with the small rocks and pebbles and now the only thing left is this giant boulder. I'm still living a compartmentalized life as long as I don't deal with this unconfessed sin. There's this work God wants to do but my fears are holding him at bay.

Another reason why I wanted to share with you is because you're no longer here in (California). In a sense, that disconnect gives me security, anonymity.

So as I seek to bring all areas of my life under the lordship of Christ there remains one holdout, my sexuality.

I've had homosexual attractions since my very early teenage years and they're still with me.

I believe God is calling me to confess this sin to you, first and foremost, because you've been my only real accountability partner. Also, I want to walk in obedience to the scriptures that call us to confess our sins one to another.

It's this hidden sin that has always been the cause of all of my inner turmoil. All those hours of me crying about how disconnected and emotionless I feel stem back to this one last stronghold in my life.

So here I am, fully exposed before you in the truest sense of the word.

I'm lost, helpless, afraid and alone.
But I want things to change!

I'm looking for direction, for help, for courage and for community.

I don't know what to do going forward from here. But I feel like I can't begin to heal and reintegrate back into the church until I come to grips with this sin.

I don't want to be a hypocrite anymore.