[Part 8] Trust & Forgetfulness

(September 28, 2009)

Status report: I'm still attracted to men, especially the hot Asian guy in Memoirs of a Geisha. After the movie was over I even went back and found the one scene of him with his shirt off. Women remain beautiful but do nothing for me sexually.

Also, I told God that I'm ready to trust him the other day.
I have no idea what that means.

(September 30, 2009)

I don't know what God's up to over here in (this country) but it's certainly exciting!

I'm mean, seriously!
After receiving a letter of prophecy over my life from (Esther), I've been challenged to call on the Holy Spirit daily to guide my steps. And every day has been amazing! Nothing happens by accident, nothing is a coincident, to say so would be a disservice to God's orchestrated plan.

I just spent tonight reading over all of my various documents that I recorded during YWAM, including this one. Many of them I read to (my best friend), which made her cry. I'd like to think it wasn't just the fact that she's also sick and in great pain right now. I ended up praying for her tonight too.
(She's a great sport and already knows that I end up laughing at her pain because I'm such a jerk, sorry!)

I don't want to rush God's transforming power or anything but I could really use some sexual purification right about now! Or conveniently before I leave (this place).

Having read over this whole homosexual journal gives me an appreciation for God's faithfulness and patience, in spite of my unfaithfulness and forgetfulness. It's amazing how quickly we can stray from the Lord.

This morning I entertained quite a bit of old fantasies in my head. One was the very first porno I watched over at my neighbor's house. It's still odd thinking back to the fact that I was watching it for the dick while all the other guys were there for the girls. And then, on top of all that, I tried to recall all the very first gay porn images I had viewed back when we had dial-up internet.

Lust knows no limits...

The basic lesson here is not to play with your morning wood. It's as simple as that. Sometimes the benefit of living in a house of all girls is that I'm too embarrassed to ever be caught with a boner so I end up instantly losing it.