[Part 17] Good Internet VS Bad Internet

(October 18, 2009)

It's past midnight...

Today began more promising than it finished.

I woke up late enough to miss the crowd of people leaving for (the city) which meant I missed out on my last opportunity to see anything else before I leave (this country).

I then had plenty of time to go through my photos of (people from the city) and edit them so I could take them to be printed out. It turns out (the internet cafe) prints photos on stock paper for relatively cheap and they even let me cut my prints for free, just because they like me.

From there, I proceeded to the YWAM Base to sent out my latest prayer update email. Progress was being made slowly but steadily until, out of nowhere, everyone jumped online and began to suck the internet right out from underneath me. It was all downhill after that.

I wasn't able to send the email out via (my email marketing client), no matter how hard I tried. Eventually my "eternal battery" ran out and I was ready to quit for the night, very unhappily might I add. But then I noticed (a friend's) computer was available so I tried to use that instead. The internet wasn't much better but I was able to log in and come to the very last dialog box before the official send button. Unfortunately, Google Chrome couldn't handle the page at all and kept freezing up. Oh, and in the meantime I was trying to use my flash drive to get some movies but it had viruses on it! (The lesson I learned is be careful where you go around sticking your drive or else you might catch a few diseases.)

And then I stumbled (pun intended) upon some banner ads of sexy men on lifehacker.com. I officially can't use a browser without adblock plus. I'm just not strong enough yet, or ever.

Which brings me to my first fail of the day, that cute shirtless guy. The second fail was while I was taking a shower. The moral of the story here is don't play with fire, unless you want to get burned. Apparently I still like to get burned. Maybe less than before but not quite none.

So why do I look?
And why do I flirt with fire?

I mean, I've been reading all these "gay Christian" blogs that share about their childhood histories and what led them to where they are now so I've been thinking a lot about it. They all throw out these matter-as-a-fact answers to what led them to their current state.

But what's my response?

Why do I look?
When did I first know?
What happened in my past that's led me to where I am now?
What are the areas I'm lacking?
What were the lies I believed and bought into back then?
What are they now?

I'm not even going to attempt to tackle these big questions tonight.
Perhaps tomorrow... (after I send out that stupid support letter, internet not withstanding).