[Part 15] Depression & Drinking

(October 14, 2009)

I guess it's fitting that I have Matt Redman playing again.

The song “When My Heart Runs Dry” is very appropriate for my current mood: discouraged.

I just binged on reading "struggling-gay-Christian-guys" blogs today and the results are mixed.

On one hand, I'm encouraged that there's such an established online blogging community for someone in my position. It's almost as if I'm nothing new, just another number joining the ranks, a rather sobering fact.

But on the other hand, I'm completely discouraged by some of the stories I've heard. I felt myself fall backwards a bit in faith and give a new foothold of doubt to Satan, if only for the briefest of moments.

Eventually I just ended the reading altogether, especially after my failed attempts to contact any of the blog authors directly and yet anonymously.

I also feel like, at this point, if (Ezekiel) has been following my online accountability at all then he must have been tipped off to my struggles. (Come to find out I'm pretty sure the free software I use isn't geared toward gay porn, haha)

Again, that sort of works in my favor either way. If he knows then the conversation might be that much easier when it happens. Being found out isn't the worst thing at this point.

Wow, I really am a wuss! I just realized I'm too scared to rip off my own band-aid for healing but I'll let others do it.

The other part that was discouraging was all the comments from non-Christians who say my homosexual attraction is completely "normal and acceptable" and dog on my reasons for no longer wanting to have it. Like I somehow hate myself or who God made me to be.

Which, is true to a certain extent...
I absolutely hate this unending battle with my old sinful nature!

But the whole argument seems to have more validity or weight when it's in the frame of sexual orientation. Even if it was just a simple heterosexual problem like lust then somehow it wouldn't seem as bad to me.

...

“God, I don't want to start this downward spiral into despair, isolation and self-hatred. I can already see it beginning as I try to press into your chest. Instead, I want, I long to hear your heart beat again my ears, feel your loving warmth as I sit upon your lap, taken in the security of your arms as they hold me close. There's this gaping hole in my life that only your healing power can bring restoration to.

Come and heal me,
Come and fill me,
I want to feel Your touch.”

(October 15, 2009)

I think the often-sought answer to the question, “What kind of drunk would I be?” is sadly, "A gay drunk."

That's to say I would probably backslide and do things I'd never want to otherwise. I'd compromise my entire integrity and spiritual reputation.

I don't actually have much to share today other than I had a rather large beer on an empty stomach at (a local bar) and it made me a kind of tired and a little more honesty, not that that's a bad thing.