[Part 14] Tell Me What I Want to Hear

(October 13, 2009)

Oh joy... frustration.

There are a lot of thoughts flowing through my mind right now so I guess I'll just do my best to tackle them with the semblance of some sort of systematic approach.

First off, I started my time on the internet today with me trying to download this podcast on the development of human's sexual orientation. Basically, it was just science's answer to why I'm attracted to a guy's dick instead of women like the typical male.

And therein lies the problem...

The struggle really comes down to who I'm listening to for answers: God (who created all things and redeems all things, even though I feel like life completely sucks for me until that point) or science (which says that my sexual attraction is completely fine and I should be able to sleep around with whoever the hell I want... God is dead, react accordingly).

I keep wavering between what I want to hear and what God has always said. I guess that's just the summary of every fallen man's life, huh?

But mine's different. It has to be, because if it's not so entirely different than everyone else's struggle then I'd actually have to own up to how much of a wuss I really am. Suddenly my selfish desires would be just like everyone else's and I don't think I'm ready for that to be true anytime soon.

DIE TO YOURSELF!

Conquer selfish desires: “check!”
Ok, moving right along...

So then I found this new blog from a 20 year old guy who is also writing about his struggles with same-sex attraction.

Wow, only 20 and he's already ahead of me?!

God, why have I been so slow, so stubborn, so fearful of everything being brought into the light for you to heal? That could have been me three years ago! Where would I be right now if I had been honest with myself that long ago and sought help?

So, as I read through his entire blog in one sitting (a trend that's becoming increasingly common with me), I began to think about the progress I've made in my own life. A bit of a reflection of sorts.

I can confidently declare that my faith has been transformed so incredibly much even compared to just six months ago. God has never stopped loving me, teaching me or providing for me. He has more than earned the title of “Faithful to the Unfaithful” in my life.

Yet how can such a glaring sinfulness still exist in my body? How can he continue to use me when I don't even feel worthy of use? I find myself praying that he'll use me as his tool, his vessel, but he already does. He's never stopped! It's as if he does it despite my weakness.

But I'm not willing to settle for what I have right now. I'm expectant for complete transformation. I need it. I honestly don't want to live without it!

As I read back over my own journey I realized this journal has been one of the most consistent exercises I've performed, more than reading my Bible or prayer. The good news is God is working on me in those areas as well.

Moving Forward

I'm already trying to talk to one blogging-brother and failed but I want to try with Diakonos and see what happens. I know I'm almost four years older than him but he's definitely ahead of me in the restoration process so there's plenty to be learned from him.

I've been working on steps to take once I'm home that will set me on the right track for transformation. I need to call (Ezekiel) and also set up a meeting with (Eve) and go from there. I think they're the best two people equipped to help/handle my struggle/pain. The weird thing is I just keep picturing/wondering how much I'm going to cry when I tell them all this. And even more so, I'm freaking out about the future where I'll have to one day tell my family. (Yes, I have a love-affair with the backslash!)

"Oh God, I can't do any of this without your power and you know it! I'm crying out for help, desperate for restoration. I'm willingly submitting to the flames of purification but that still doesn't mean it doesn't burn!"

*falls asleep to Matt Redman*