[Part 19] Hard Questions & New Sensations

(October 20, 2009)

I just read this blog that asked the question, “What if you don't change?” to which my intial reaction was, “Screw that!”

Let’s talk about the fact that some of us are not going to experience change in our sexual orientation and the implications that has on our lives:

1. How do you feel about the fact that your same-sex attraction may not change? How does that affect the decisions you make for your life?
2. If you do not affirm homosexuality, what would you say to these ex-ex-gays who have clearly put blood, sweat and tears into trying to do what they believed was right?
3. If you do affirm homosexuality, what is it about the lack of change in sexual orientation that made you believe homosexuality is okay?
4. How does change or lack of change in our life circumstances relate to Christian theology and the Christian life?

But then I read and enjoyed another post on a different gay Christian blog entitled “My Hope.” I found this to be a very good response.

So what does that all boil down to for me?

I want to get married.
I want sex, even if it's with a woman (I'm pretty sure it'll still be good).
I want to have children (both with my wife and via adoption).

I don't want to live this life alone.
I don't want to be celibate until death.
I don't want to be childless.

That's where I'm at, for better or for worse.
I imagine, one day, I'll look back at this and see how far God has brought me.
I already know it's going to take an amazing woman to put up with me as her gay husband.

I don't know how I'm going to get from here to there but I'm pretty sure my future wife is going to be the most godly, patient, understanding, and beautiful woman I've ever met!

The thing I like about “My Hope” post is that I recognize my ultimate responsibility is obedience to what God has called me to in through Scripture, sanctification.

And that's why Jesus is my hope.

(October 21, 2009)

Well this is certainly a new sensation!

Ever since I “outed” myself to (the girls) I've been thinking about what it'd be like to actually verbally express these thoughts I've always had running through my mind.

I still find myself still filtering random thoughts like, “Oh, he's pretty hot!” or backing down any time I want to refer to myself as gay.

To be honest, I'm not sure how comfortable they would be with me if I started doing that.

Ultimately, I don't think I want to become comfortable with these actions or labels either but somehow I feel like they're a resting point on my journey towards wholeness and purity.

Just the fact that I can even be honest, in public, would be a huge victory for my broken self-esteem. I want nothing more than to move past the denial stage and begin accepting things as they are so they won't stay that way any longer.