(October 10, 2009)
Come on now!
Something seems entirely unfair about waking up with morning wood and lustful thoughts in my head. It's like I'm starting off failing, set up for failure.
How do you prepare for something like that?
I guess that's just one more thing I have to bring to God in prayer, before I ever go to bed.
Yeah, so I screwed up today, not once but twice.
Go big or go home, right?
(when I went to write “home” it auto-popped up with “homosexual.” Haha, go big or go homosexual!)
And the guilt and shame carried into the rest of the day, hence the twice part. It's as if once you've messed up the whole day is a scratch and you're free to do whatever you want. I can't believe this is the way I think and operate!
The other thing that's been bugging me is whenever I'm hanging out with kids they begin to play with all the hair on my arms or legs and sometimes I get a bit of a boner. That's honestly the last thing I'm thinking about but the touching just sort of naturally triggers it. I guess it's equivalent to guys who struggle with constantly having wet dreams. (I can't relate because I've never had one, oddly enough.)
“God, I'm sorry for sinning today. Please forgive me and strengthen me in you so that next time I will not stumble. Thank you for your unconditional grace. I want to experience your love anew each morning.”
(October 11, 2009)
God has my number... again!
Today at (church) the guest speaker's sermon was on God's grace and how it fully cleanses us of our defilement.
Sexual sin defiles us.
It defiles me.
There's a reason I want to wash off after every time I've done something sexually that I shouldn't have. I'm not living under what he would have for my life, purity.
Another powerful line: Christians shouldn't have any dirty secrets.
What kind of crap is that?!
Ahh, but it's so true!
But it's too challenging for me to live out in practice.
I'm too scared to out myself to everyone I know.
There's too much I'll have to deal with.
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