[Part 22] The Long Ride Home

[Alternative title: The Long Ride Homo... haha!]
(October 24, 2009)

I'm on a plane headed for home, through several other countries, but home nevertheless!

I'm roughly 24 hours away from being back home in California and, unfortunately, I have some bad news to report: I'm still gay.

Yeah, just being at the airport was like browsing a soft porn catalog for my mind. There were attractive men around every corner. It's was a major wake-up call for me. And now I realized that this is going to be a very real, and very long process to restoration (I don't like the word “recover.” Sounds lame.)

The first step along this journey has been being real with myself.
The next step will be being real with other people.

Only then can I actually move forward in this process.
You can't fix the problem if you're not willing to talk about it.

I feel like once my struggle with homosexuality is out in the open then I'll be able to truly process the affects it has had on my past and also my present.

There's this desire to suddenly talk about everything that's ever happened in my life through this new perspective, or lens, of my homosexuality. It's shaped so many of my decisions and problems and the way I respond to everything and yet it's been hidden from others. (Ezekiel) has no idea why I said all that stuff about being “emotionally void/detached” but once he realizes I've dealt with rejection my whole life and felt completely unloved then it might begin to make a bit more sense.

In other news, I've also reached out to Diakonos so we'll see what develops due to that impending friendship. Hopefully it will be a good relationship for both of us. I'm very mindful of the fact that this is the first relationship I've ever had with another guy in which we are both completely open in our sexuality.
[Spoiler: he's the coolest guy ever!]

(October 25, 2009)
[A follow up to my 24 hour flight home.]

Gay, gay, gay!

Now I have a major crush on Zack Ephrom.
I love his hair, his body type, his beautiful face, his clothes.
This is just ridiculous!

I knew I shouldn't have watched the film "Milk" on the flight either.

I can tell I'm officially back in America because the temptation has cranked up 2,000%!
Looks like my homosexual struggle still has plenty of life left in it. Oh joy...

(October 26, 2009)

Landing in San Francisco for 24 hours wasn't a huge help to my sexuality either. I think I checked out almost every single guy that came within my line of sight. And I'm not sure if you know this but San Francisco is actually a pretty populated city which means I saw a lot of attractive men.

I even “relieved some sexual frustration” at a gas station on the way out of San Fran. I'm in no way proud of that since I really wanted to eliminate masturbation from my list of struggles. Totally missed the boat on that one!

In other news, I don't think I'm going to “come out” to my parents anytime soon. I just don't think it'll work out in any productive/health way. But following that line of reasoning I can't tell anyone who's around my family as well, which includes (blah, blah, blah) and anyone who comes over to our house.

The problem is I've been observing the words people use and the climate for homosexuality within my family and group of friends and I'm not so sure it's a safe or loving place for me.

The good news is I'm going forward with my plan to talk with (Ezekiel) and I'm also already engaging in email conversations with Diakonos. Oh, and I'm tentatively planning on meeting with (another lady) about this.

I think Satan's going to really up the heat now that I'm back on my home turf.
He's still looking to keep me in bondage, weighed down with shame and completely defeated.

But I'm looking for restoration, healing and sexual purity.

I no longer believe I need to "come out" to everyone either. Just because it seems like the complete opposite of what I'm doing right now that doesn't necessarily make it more helpful or beneficial to others, or myself.