[Part 18] Coming Out All Over Again

(October 19, 2009)

A song rang through my heart and mind today as I walked about the city:

“I life my eyes up, unto the mountains, where does my help come from?
My help comes from you, maker of heaven, creator of the earth.

Oh how I need you, Lord. You are my only hope, you're my only prayer.
So I will wait for you, to come and rescue me. Come and give me life.”

...

Praise God for his faithfulness!

Last night I had this great, ridiculously honest prayer time with (two awesome girls) in my room. The entire time I felt like God was calling me to a greater level of openness and freedom in my relationship with them and also in my own journey with Christ.

So I essentially “came out” to them, again.

One of the things that had been hounding me from my experience in (YWAM lecture phase) was that when (one of the leaders) and other staff asked me if I wanted or needed any accountability in the area of my sexual sin I shied away.

It's funny, in a very tragic sense, how fear can still continue to keep us in this bondage and death grip, even after we've crossed all the major hurdles.

I had already confessed to the entire YWAM team my struggles with homosexuality, pornography and everything else, and yet... I still didn't embrace the discipleship that would lead to healing.

I feel so weird now because there's these people in my life that I actually share my burdens with. I no longer have to live in isolation or fear of condemnation. And God orchestrated the whole thing! Everything from the first prayer for my future wife to one of the girls saying she loves me no matter what I tell her.

God knew exactly the words I needed to hear!
He loves me, of this I am sure.
I walk in his confidence, his assurance.

[Note: It's rather interesting looking back in time at this moment because I feel like this was my very first real taste of ever talking with another human being about my homosexuality. I had never once talked with anyone else about it in my entire life, other than God. Haha, and you should have seen how much of a big baby I was being that night too! So that night marked a major turning point for me because from then on I knew I had true friends that still loves me after seeing all aspects of my life. Talk about chains of bondage being broken! Praise God.]