[Note: Again, these questions are just some of the thoughts running through my head as I began to finally process all the things I had completely compartmentalized for the entirety of my life leading up to this point]
(October 16, 2009)
Questions for life (for wise counsel):
Is it okay for me to work at a church?
How many people do I have to tell about my struggle?
To what degree do I have to disclose my past?
What's the "church" supposed to do with me?
(Later that day...)
I'm tired of living a lie, or hiding the truth, I should say.
It's perpetually discouraging every single time I have to talk about my non-existent “previous girlfriends” or what qualities I find most attractive about women. It's frustrating not being able to just be honest about my struggles and find healing. Instead, the lying about it further prevents or delays the healing process. I'm teaching myself to mask over the truth, to deny the reality and to live in the constant fear.
Sometimes I just wish I could be open with everyone about what I'm going through!
Not to mention I'm continually offered jobs within the church. That only perpetuates the cycle.
“God, break through the spiritual strongholds that holding me captive, establish your Kingdom in my life today!”
(October 17, 2009)
Different kind of SSA thoughts:
I've come to the decision that an online community of fellow Christian brothers with SSA won't lead to my full healing. That's not to say they won't play a major part in the healing process because, in that sense, they already have. Rather, so many of the things I'm looking for can only be found in genuine, offline relationships.
I need to physically cry on someone's shoulder, embrace someone's hug, have them lay their hands over me for prayer, or punch me when I need to snap out of my funk.
In terms of accountability, I think I'd also like to transition away from software and towards actual admission and confession. The idea of being “caught” or "called out" never really leads to a full maturity of my own mental and sexual purity. Instead, it places the burden on my accountability partner and it creates this “How much can I get away with?” game that my sinful nature is all too eager to play. The alternative would be a relationship that's so open and loving that I can simply run to him any time I've fallen, regardless of the when, where, why, how.
I think a lot of these anonymous Christians use their blogs for accountability but it doesn't truly work unless there's that person that's willing to be there for them in a tangible sense.
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I like you dialogue concerning masking the past. Having never lived that way, I wonder what sort of pressures does one feel to invent stories to make ones self appear more "normal".
ReplyDeleteIs this common among gay guys (SSA, whatever) who grew up in a church setting?
Also, the transitioning from software (computer) to hardware (people) is a great idea. You need someone around who you have open communication with that you can confide in and run to. Only two things will last for eternity, God's Word and the souls of men.
Invest in those. :)
Love ya and am praying for you brother! Daemon
Let's just say that boys like me who grew up in the church have a whole different set of package. It really messes with your perception of God and faith when you're sort of taught to compartmentalize the parts of your life that no one wants to know about or deal with. You feel a bit psychotic or insane since there's these secrets that you've been keeping and never been able to voice.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for the prayers!
Fully agreed that you need real-life support in addition to anyone online who offers support. But for some it's a first step to build on.
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