[Part 2] Of All the Places...

(August 3, 2009)

Here I sit, in the middle of a very public hostel in (the Western Hemisphere), dealing with my issues.

Why is fear so strong? So controlling? So debilitating?

I feel like I'm having a sexual breakdown as the walls close in!

All my life it's been fear that's kept me from freedom. You just don't talk about that kind of stuff! Even now, no one will ever understand you. You're supposed to be perfect already and here you say you're still smack dab in the middle of your homosexual struggles? What a fag!

Now, suddenly, life is becoming compartmentalized for completely different reasons. There's these two parts to God's healing and truth. The part where it sounds fine and dandy and the part where you actually have to deal with the results or application in your own life.

How do I reconcile these two parts in my own life?
Can I, the clay, ever challenge the will of the potter, the Creator?

Why did he make me like this? Or was it just me?
When is he going to step in and fix me? Or do I just have to figure it out?

I'm drowning in these flood waters of shame and guilt. There's no one to turn to... seemingly.

I'm faced with a choice: do I give up my entire reputation and pride for the hope of healing and freedom or do I just keep everything hidden and hope, one day, it'll all work out?

Can I confess everything to Ezekiel? How will he handle it?
(For the sake of anonymity I've replaced all my friends' real names with ones from a list of names I've always loved. So far they're going to start off Biblical.)

I can already feel the pressure from tears and emotions building up behind my dammed/damned eyes. Release is coming soon...

Fear has alienated me from anyone/everyone who has ever tried to love me. From my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister, my best friends in every area of the world.
It always plays out the same.

(Note: stand alone paragraphs in quotations typically signify God talking to me, trying to assure me.)

“But there was hope in Kona. Don't you remember that little glimmer back there? That time when you confessed in front of the entire team. Didn't that count for something?”

[Part 1] Skeletons Brought Into the Light

[NOTES: the following entries are copied directly from a journal I started during this last year while in missions. In order to remain true to myself, my emotions and experiences, I'm trying not to censor them or make any changes to these entries. However, if I feel something might need clarifying then I'll use parentheses to add a comment. Also, you'll find I kept track of time in my journal by either specific moments and events or just the regular date. My goal is to post all of my journal entries up to my present point. Buckle up and enjoy the ride!

WARNING: I'm also very honest with some of the language I use and that's all intentional as well but just be aware.]


It's 12:34am, I'm laying in my bunk in the 10th (mid-June 2009) week of DTS (Discipleship Training School) at YWAM (Youth With A Mission) and this has been a long time coming!

I can't even figure out how I want to structure this whole thing, unlisted bullets? Complete sentences, paragraphs and proper punctuation?

Ahhh! I'll just throw it all out on the the table:

I've struggled with homosexual attractions since about jr. high.
As honestly as I can say, “it started off innocently enough...” with what I guess could be typical hormonal experimentation and exploration. We were just horny little kids that were figuring out how things worked for the first time.

...

But I've always liked girls. I wanted to date them. I even had crushes on them in elementary school. Somehow liking them was so ”off limits” that I didn't think I would ever be able to grow close to them. I was rejected. I was a pawn. I laughed it off. I wanted to be accepted, to be and feel loved.

Somehow...
I found that by doing something different... yeah, euphemisms... (experimenting with guys via oral sex)

I was able to so successfully compartmentalize this from the rest of my life that it wasn't even a problem. I didn't care. I started to care. I cared. It's too late. I'm screwed. I fucked up. Shit!

God, what have I done? What sort of forbidden fruit did I bit into that released all of this disgusting pain and sorrow and confusion and bitterness and apathy in/over my life?

Happened to me? Where did I fall off the deep end with nobody to catch me?
Were you there? Truth says you yes. Hindsight confirms it. But there's this problem of scars that have completely stripped away my feeling, my emotion, my nervous system.

I ran away from home. That didn't work either. I'm everywhere I go. I take me with me.
Growth is limited by my compartments. It's really becoming a problem. There's this big bullet proof glass encasement around my heart. There's no circulation in my body, just stagnation.

I run further away, but in a different direction.

The first week comes and passes. It wasn't what I came for.
The second week comes. Here it is. Shit, here it is!
Oh God, I need you! I can't do this anymore.
Ahh, my heart is screaming out. I have to go for it.

I crawl through the darkness, groping for a sledgehammer.
My hands find it.
I feel noxious.
I stand up.
I swing.
I swing...
I SWING... and I don't look back.

The glass has cracked.
The glass cracked!
Ok, but it didn't shatter.

Why didn't it shatter? Oh, because it's so thick. I built it really thick actually. This is my fault.
I have to keep swinging. This sort of thing wasn't built in a day and it's not coming down in one either.

But God, I'd really like it to be completely gone now. How can that not be your will for my life?
By the way, do you even care about me?

The Father replies, “I love you. Yes, you.” He embraces me in a prophetic hug of overwhelming love. The Holy Spirit is close.

My heart begins to beat.

There's still glass.
There's still scars.
But there's a heartbeat.

It's Not About Me

I find myself in unfamiliar territory as I embark on this next part of my spiritual and sexual journey. I take comfort in the fact that I'm surrounded by an online community of fellow believers, Christian brothers, who know exactly what I'm going through right now. To a certain extent, they've already walked this path I'm on and have progressed much further down the very same road. They've even been so kind as to leave markers and warning signs up ahead to keep me away from various pitfalls and ledges. I've already benefited greatly from their wisdom and personal testimonies. To that end, I seek to contribute the truths God has confirmed in my own life, that they may be made known to the world, one anonymous journal entry at a time!

As the last sentence attests, my writing style is a mixture of truth, testimony and snarky sarcasm. I take my faith seriously but I'm not easily offended and I have an unusual sense of humor. The moniker I use, Clay, plays into a larger picture in which God is the potter and I am the willing clay in his hands. I've given my life completely over to him and now I'm obedient clay, ready to be shaped and modeled as I follow the guiding of his Holy Spirit in every waking moment of my life.

There's much I don't know, nor do I claim to know, but the one thing his Spirit has confirmed in me is the confidence I have when I find my identity in Christ. I am the person he created me to be. I am not a mistake. I am lacking no good thing. Every experience, every trial and every tribulation I have endured during my lifetime has led up to this one point: where I realize that my God, my savior, loves me with the heart of a heavenly Father. This sole truth has eclipsed all of the "head knowledge of God" I had accumulated in my previous 20+ years of life and replaced it with a genuine experience of his love. Words fail to convey this new tangible love I've found in him! Maybe that's why the Spirit gives believers the gift of speaking in tongues.

"From here to there"

This simple phrase has been the most concise way to summarize my past, present and future. It speaks of God's faithfulness and redemptive nature at work through all aspects of my life. He has brought me this far and I cling to the promise that he's faithful to carry out the work he's begun into completion. I don't know if that means I'll experience all of my hopes and aspirations or if he will be changing my thoughts and leading me down a new, unseen path. But that's part of the wonder that is my God, never being able to see more than a few feet in front of me for fear of taking in too much for my faith to handle. His time is perfect and I know that full well.

So "here" is where I stand and "there" is where I seek to go. Only through obedience to the Holy Spirit can I ever hope to make it that far. He is the bridge for my journey between these two peaks. He is the light that illuminates the darkness and dissolves the mysteries of the unseen world. His truth exposes the lies and strongholds that I've allowed to be established in my mind for all these years. Now I have spiritual eyes to see them for what they really are.

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 (NLT)

The love of Jesus Christ displaces the fear in our hearts that keep us from fully trusting in him! Only once I experienced this love was I able to progress forward in my relationship with him. I was finally able to open up my closet and remove all the skeletons I had been hiding. Unadulterated freedom has come to my life for the very first time! How can I not tell what I have tasted and seen?! I count myself among the lepers and beggars who had encountered Jesus and walked away restored. Therefore, I find myself utterly compelled to present this Gospel of hope to all I come across. And at the same time, God has been systematically going through my past and redeeming every circumstance to his perfect plan. His love is so amazing, boundless, overwhelming and retroactive!

So how do I continue from here?

Well, there's so much story left to be told. I still have yet to properly introduce you to my whole testimony, from birth to present. There's been plenty of hurdles I've had to overcome and I'm sure I'll face many more on this road to come. Ideally, I'd love to go back to the beginning and share with you how long it's taken for me to come to this point. I can't promise it will always be entertaining or pretty but such is life. So please bear with me as I use these next few weeks to catch up with my present and press on from there. I have this sense that sharing my history and origins is like laying the foundation on which my life has been built. Everything I consist of is held under the context of my life experiences and decisions. My hope is that the more transparent I'm able to be the more healing and restoration I'll be able to find in the telling of my story. God is my author of life.

My Introduction

Let's just cut to the chase: the reason I'm here is because I'm a young Christian guy who struggles with homosexual attractions. Creating this anonymous blog allows me to further process both out loud and in community all the things I'm going through in regards to this struggle.

The interesting part in all of this is I already feel semi-involved in the "SSA-struggling Christian guy" blogosphere even though I haven't really contributed anything yet. I've already made some great friends and connections with solid Christian guys who have helped me at this pivotal time in my spiritual journey.

So I'm excited to get started on working through all the thoughts and arguments I've had to deal with on my own for so long. Being able to get involved now in a more tangible way and having the opportunity to tell my own story will hopefully assist me in this healing process as well as chronicle the stops along the way. As the title says, "This too shall come to pass..." I fully believe, whether in a year or at the end of my life, that God's faithfulness and plan will reign supreme over my life. I've already caught a glimpse of his love over this last year of my life but I'm pressing in for him to reveal even more aspects of his character to me. I want to be completely immersed in his presence!

Another purpose for this blog is to practice being open and honest and focus on telling my story. I strongly believe in the power of testimony of every Christian. When we're obedient to present our story about the work God is doing in our life then he's faithful to use that in other people's lives. I can attest to this truth in my own life just from reading the various blogs both on blogspot and xanga.

There's so much more to share but I'll save it for another blog. I have a feeling that I'll begin power blogging for this first month or so until I get everything I've already gone through (my past) caught up with where I'm currently at (my present).

Lastly, if you'd like to contact me feel free to do so at andthistooshallcometopass@gmail.com.

(And yes, I realize it's a ridiculously long email address but for the sake of continuity it made total sense.)