[Part 1] Skeletons Brought Into the Light

[NOTES: the following entries are copied directly from a journal I started during this last year while in missions. In order to remain true to myself, my emotions and experiences, I'm trying not to censor them or make any changes to these entries. However, if I feel something might need clarifying then I'll use parentheses to add a comment. Also, you'll find I kept track of time in my journal by either specific moments and events or just the regular date. My goal is to post all of my journal entries up to my present point. Buckle up and enjoy the ride!

WARNING: I'm also very honest with some of the language I use and that's all intentional as well but just be aware.]


It's 12:34am, I'm laying in my bunk in the 10th (mid-June 2009) week of DTS (Discipleship Training School) at YWAM (Youth With A Mission) and this has been a long time coming!

I can't even figure out how I want to structure this whole thing, unlisted bullets? Complete sentences, paragraphs and proper punctuation?

Ahhh! I'll just throw it all out on the the table:

I've struggled with homosexual attractions since about jr. high.
As honestly as I can say, “it started off innocently enough...” with what I guess could be typical hormonal experimentation and exploration. We were just horny little kids that were figuring out how things worked for the first time.

...

But I've always liked girls. I wanted to date them. I even had crushes on them in elementary school. Somehow liking them was so ”off limits” that I didn't think I would ever be able to grow close to them. I was rejected. I was a pawn. I laughed it off. I wanted to be accepted, to be and feel loved.

Somehow...
I found that by doing something different... yeah, euphemisms... (experimenting with guys via oral sex)

I was able to so successfully compartmentalize this from the rest of my life that it wasn't even a problem. I didn't care. I started to care. I cared. It's too late. I'm screwed. I fucked up. Shit!

God, what have I done? What sort of forbidden fruit did I bit into that released all of this disgusting pain and sorrow and confusion and bitterness and apathy in/over my life?

Happened to me? Where did I fall off the deep end with nobody to catch me?
Were you there? Truth says you yes. Hindsight confirms it. But there's this problem of scars that have completely stripped away my feeling, my emotion, my nervous system.

I ran away from home. That didn't work either. I'm everywhere I go. I take me with me.
Growth is limited by my compartments. It's really becoming a problem. There's this big bullet proof glass encasement around my heart. There's no circulation in my body, just stagnation.

I run further away, but in a different direction.

The first week comes and passes. It wasn't what I came for.
The second week comes. Here it is. Shit, here it is!
Oh God, I need you! I can't do this anymore.
Ahh, my heart is screaming out. I have to go for it.

I crawl through the darkness, groping for a sledgehammer.
My hands find it.
I feel noxious.
I stand up.
I swing.
I swing...
I SWING... and I don't look back.

The glass has cracked.
The glass cracked!
Ok, but it didn't shatter.

Why didn't it shatter? Oh, because it's so thick. I built it really thick actually. This is my fault.
I have to keep swinging. This sort of thing wasn't built in a day and it's not coming down in one either.

But God, I'd really like it to be completely gone now. How can that not be your will for my life?
By the way, do you even care about me?

The Father replies, “I love you. Yes, you.” He embraces me in a prophetic hug of overwhelming love. The Holy Spirit is close.

My heart begins to beat.

There's still glass.
There's still scars.
But there's a heartbeat.