[Part 2] Of All the Places...

(August 3, 2009)

Here I sit, in the middle of a very public hostel in (the Western Hemisphere), dealing with my issues.

Why is fear so strong? So controlling? So debilitating?

I feel like I'm having a sexual breakdown as the walls close in!

All my life it's been fear that's kept me from freedom. You just don't talk about that kind of stuff! Even now, no one will ever understand you. You're supposed to be perfect already and here you say you're still smack dab in the middle of your homosexual struggles? What a fag!

Now, suddenly, life is becoming compartmentalized for completely different reasons. There's these two parts to God's healing and truth. The part where it sounds fine and dandy and the part where you actually have to deal with the results or application in your own life.

How do I reconcile these two parts in my own life?
Can I, the clay, ever challenge the will of the potter, the Creator?

Why did he make me like this? Or was it just me?
When is he going to step in and fix me? Or do I just have to figure it out?

I'm drowning in these flood waters of shame and guilt. There's no one to turn to... seemingly.

I'm faced with a choice: do I give up my entire reputation and pride for the hope of healing and freedom or do I just keep everything hidden and hope, one day, it'll all work out?

Can I confess everything to Ezekiel? How will he handle it?
(For the sake of anonymity I've replaced all my friends' real names with ones from a list of names I've always loved. So far they're going to start off Biblical.)

I can already feel the pressure from tears and emotions building up behind my dammed/damned eyes. Release is coming soon...

Fear has alienated me from anyone/everyone who has ever tried to love me. From my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister, my best friends in every area of the world.
It always plays out the same.

(Note: stand alone paragraphs in quotations typically signify God talking to me, trying to assure me.)

“But there was hope in Kona. Don't you remember that little glimmer back there? That time when you confessed in front of the entire team. Didn't that count for something?”