It's Not About Me

I find myself in unfamiliar territory as I embark on this next part of my spiritual and sexual journey. I take comfort in the fact that I'm surrounded by an online community of fellow believers, Christian brothers, who know exactly what I'm going through right now. To a certain extent, they've already walked this path I'm on and have progressed much further down the very same road. They've even been so kind as to leave markers and warning signs up ahead to keep me away from various pitfalls and ledges. I've already benefited greatly from their wisdom and personal testimonies. To that end, I seek to contribute the truths God has confirmed in my own life, that they may be made known to the world, one anonymous journal entry at a time!

As the last sentence attests, my writing style is a mixture of truth, testimony and snarky sarcasm. I take my faith seriously but I'm not easily offended and I have an unusual sense of humor. The moniker I use, Clay, plays into a larger picture in which God is the potter and I am the willing clay in his hands. I've given my life completely over to him and now I'm obedient clay, ready to be shaped and modeled as I follow the guiding of his Holy Spirit in every waking moment of my life.

There's much I don't know, nor do I claim to know, but the one thing his Spirit has confirmed in me is the confidence I have when I find my identity in Christ. I am the person he created me to be. I am not a mistake. I am lacking no good thing. Every experience, every trial and every tribulation I have endured during my lifetime has led up to this one point: where I realize that my God, my savior, loves me with the heart of a heavenly Father. This sole truth has eclipsed all of the "head knowledge of God" I had accumulated in my previous 20+ years of life and replaced it with a genuine experience of his love. Words fail to convey this new tangible love I've found in him! Maybe that's why the Spirit gives believers the gift of speaking in tongues.

"From here to there"

This simple phrase has been the most concise way to summarize my past, present and future. It speaks of God's faithfulness and redemptive nature at work through all aspects of my life. He has brought me this far and I cling to the promise that he's faithful to carry out the work he's begun into completion. I don't know if that means I'll experience all of my hopes and aspirations or if he will be changing my thoughts and leading me down a new, unseen path. But that's part of the wonder that is my God, never being able to see more than a few feet in front of me for fear of taking in too much for my faith to handle. His time is perfect and I know that full well.

So "here" is where I stand and "there" is where I seek to go. Only through obedience to the Holy Spirit can I ever hope to make it that far. He is the bridge for my journey between these two peaks. He is the light that illuminates the darkness and dissolves the mysteries of the unseen world. His truth exposes the lies and strongholds that I've allowed to be established in my mind for all these years. Now I have spiritual eyes to see them for what they really are.

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 (NLT)

The love of Jesus Christ displaces the fear in our hearts that keep us from fully trusting in him! Only once I experienced this love was I able to progress forward in my relationship with him. I was finally able to open up my closet and remove all the skeletons I had been hiding. Unadulterated freedom has come to my life for the very first time! How can I not tell what I have tasted and seen?! I count myself among the lepers and beggars who had encountered Jesus and walked away restored. Therefore, I find myself utterly compelled to present this Gospel of hope to all I come across. And at the same time, God has been systematically going through my past and redeeming every circumstance to his perfect plan. His love is so amazing, boundless, overwhelming and retroactive!

So how do I continue from here?

Well, there's so much story left to be told. I still have yet to properly introduce you to my whole testimony, from birth to present. There's been plenty of hurdles I've had to overcome and I'm sure I'll face many more on this road to come. Ideally, I'd love to go back to the beginning and share with you how long it's taken for me to come to this point. I can't promise it will always be entertaining or pretty but such is life. So please bear with me as I use these next few weeks to catch up with my present and press on from there. I have this sense that sharing my history and origins is like laying the foundation on which my life has been built. Everything I consist of is held under the context of my life experiences and decisions. My hope is that the more transparent I'm able to be the more healing and restoration I'll be able to find in the telling of my story. God is my author of life.