[Part 11] Lies & Late Nights

(Midnight: October 6, 2009)

I don't understand this war taking place inside of me, over my flesh.
It's between my old sinful nature and the new nature God wants to pour out on me.

In Bible Study today we talked about how an old wineskin can't house or hold new wine.
It'll burst open. And yet here I am, still fighting over the same stupid temptations.

I ended up looking through a ton of pictures with this girl today and my flesh wanted to stop every single time I saw a good looking guy. I guess I should also mention many of them were shirtless Abercrombie-type poses too. How convenient!

How can one side of me be so incredibly gay and yet the other side thirst and desire after the things of God's kingdom? Am I just the world's biggest hypocrite or is this how every guy feels in his struggle with lust? I feel like I could bone the next guy that gives me the time of day. Honestly, it's as if there's been absolutely no progress in pursuit of purity and opposite-sex attractions.

Man, dealing with sin is a bitch. Or maybe just for me because I've chosen to keep my struggles a secret from everyone I know.

And every day that passes by I have to lie about “which girls I like/would date/marry/etc.” Lies continue lies. They're self-sustaining, perpetuating.

(October 8, 2009)

Today, during (Bible study), we talked about strongholds, struggles and addictions. More than ever I want to be free from homosexuality but the problem is people don't know I struggle with it and it'd be a huge shocking surprise.

I think the next lie I have to defeat is that my problem is going to be some sort of burden or inconvenience for others to deal with.

I just need to stay focused on building up God's strongholds of truth and toppling Satan's strongholds of lust and homosexuality.

But there's also the part about us, as Christians, already having victory in Christ. Jesus' work on the cross already paid the full price for my sin. Why am I still living in bondage then?

Do I have Stockholm's Syndrome?

Have I been institutionalized?