Hello, old friend!
It feels like it's been far too long since my last entry in the journal. And to compound that I've made so many breakthroughs and revelations!
One is about how I actually, genuinely miss people now.
The big lesson there is that I miss these people because I had a true, honest relationship with them and exposed more of myself to them than anyone else ever before. The depth of our relationship is a trench that keeps me connected to them. In a certain sense, there's now something to be missed. It wasn't just an arm's length bubble like before. Instead, there was an emotional exchange that can't easily be reproduced or forgotten.
The other big discovery was that I'm now officially an optimist!
The total game changer happened when I began to trust God with my life, with complete obedience, and realized he loved me so much. Therefore his plans are ultimately for my good, for my healing, for my restoration. It's no longer a “Woe is me! Why was I made this way!?” but instead a “Wow, God, what's your crazy plan for my life!? I'm so thankful to be used by your hand!”
Review:
- Deep, honest relationships lead to missing people.
- And living an open/honest life leads to healing and genuine joy.
I find it so discouragingly ironic that the one day Jon comes over and we talk just ever-so-slightly about how he's trying to live above reproach with his porn addiction and all I end up doing is looking at gay porn tonight! (I don't even care if that's a run-on sentence!)
And this latest failure only stands to reinforce all the triggers I'm already aware of:
I didn't do my devos in the morning.
I didn't invite the Holy Spirit's company into my day.
I didn't make my relationship with Christ the #1 priority of my day.
I didn't run from evil, instead I tried to flirt as close as I could with the darkness.
I got cocky and thought I could just look at some guys' shirtless bodies. But I ended up back in some of my old favorites with all the cleanly shaven guys and their chiseled, muscled bodies.
If you play with fire, you're gonna get burned.
But sometimes I feel like I want to get burned!
That's the part I hate the most!
And I think there's other things that contribute to this as well, like watching Survivor. I've never seen so many guys comfortable walking around in just their tight underwear!
It's such a hard process trying to regrow a sensitive conscience! I've dulled the edges of mine to the point that I don't even feel the prick, either that or I'm numb to the pain.
“Holy Spirit, forgive me for living for my sinful fleshly nature. I choose again this day to follow you and be led by you. I want to produce fruit of the kingdom.”
[Then God delivers this amazing song to me from an unusual source.]
Chorus
Garbage in, Garbage out.
What goes in is found out.
All can see what goes in me.
I pay the price.
Full lyrics
Listen here
I'm gonna journal out the rest of this garbage that's stuck in my heart.
It is amazing that when you build something true and real with a person, how your heart aches in its absence.
ReplyDeleteOptimism, always a good travel companion on the road. I need to pick up some more, since I seem to be running low lately. Thanks for the remind...
Thanks for the progression of "triggers". I never really noticed a pattern in my life when it came to my sin, but after being made aware, looking back, I can certainly see a well worn path that I walk, either from it, or to it. (and yes, that sentence structure also leaves alot to be desired...but it says what I mean!)
Praying for you today man! You are loved and never alone.
Daemon