This whole binge-gaming week has really thrown off my rhythm, my flow. I haven't had my late nights or early mornings to myself and therefore haven't been able to truly process some of the things I've been going through recently.
But I've already decided I can no longer neglect the things I know I've been called to diligence in: journaling, writing, reading the Bible, prayer, intercession and being "church."
I'd say that's a pretty substantial list that requires a full measure of commitment and devotion. It's time to move past the immaturity and just do what needs to be done instead of letting circumstances dictate my outcome.
Man up!
(This phrase has multiple levels of meaning in my life)
So I plan to start plugging away at this journal again, starting today! I will be faithful to the alone time I need to find my own growth and healing.
"And, God, I thank you for bringing me all this way. It was a long journey and only your strength has the ability to sustain me along the way. I literally couldn't have done it without you. So now I live to praise your name and tell the world of your marvelous deeds! You've placed sweet words on my tongue that I can't help but speak out, shouting from every rooftop and platform available to me."
Amen!
(November 7, 2009)
(I just listened to an amazing testimony about a dad whose son told him he was gay and went through how he processed all of it.)
How do I tell my dad?
I've always wanted a father!
"God, only you can work this through in my life.
I need you now more than ever to prepare this path before me.
I long to walk in obedience to you guiding for this area of my life."
PS. Another lesson learned the hard way:
When the blogs you're reading say “warning, contains homoerotic content” that's not supposed to be a happy warning, it's supposed to tell me to turn away and no indulge my sinful side. Well, what do you know... I lost the battle tonight and had to clean up the mess, too.
I guess I'll just keep reinforcing those synaptic nerve highways for my homosexual attractions, huh? Two steps forward, one step backwards is apparently the best way to travel these days. (The sarcasm should be palpable here.)
But seriously, I'm not overly worked up about it. I think the great thing is Satan is losing his guilt, shame and condemnation over my life in these areas. It's not that I'm becoming less sensitive to Christ but that I'm finally able to recognize my sinful nature as a reality, not some grossly overexaggerated problem that only I deal with.
Believe it or not, I'm actually normal!
Wow, that's a scary thought.
"Sorry I continue to sin, God. I don't want to hurt your heart. Please forgive me, I want to walk in your power and desire to turn away from sin entirely and live in freedom and victory. In any circumstance, I'll follow you in obedience. You have my whole life, all of me. Be careful..."
[Note: there's this song I've been crushing on all throughout these last several weeks because the chorus truly speaks to my pain. I've probably heard it over 50 times or more now.]
Delirious, "Stare the Monster Down"
Is there,
Is there a place in your arms of love?
Strong enough?
Will you carry us?
Carry us through
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