[Part 12] "The Rehearsal"

[Background info: I finally mustered up the resolve to tell one of my best friend/mentor about my struggle with homosexuality. This is the script I wrote out in preparation and ended up reading to him over the phone on the first week I was back home from YWAM.]

(October 09, 2009)

(Ezekiel), do you still care for me?
... love me?

Can I confide in you?
... trust you?

Can I confess something to you, as my accountability partner?
... as a brother?

I've never shared this openly with anyone before.

The reason I've decided to tell you, what I'm about to say, is that I value our friendship, your respect for me and your wise counsel.

God has been working on my heart over this last year while I've been (traveling the world with YWAM). Over that time I've allowed him to really come into my life and work on cleaning out all the crap. But the problem is that I only let him start with the small rocks and pebbles and now the only thing left is this giant boulder. I'm still living a compartmentalized life as long as I don't deal with this unconfessed sin. There's this work God wants to do but my fears are holding him at bay.

Another reason why I wanted to share with you is because you're no longer here in (California). In a sense, that disconnect gives me security, anonymity.

So as I seek to bring all areas of my life under the lordship of Christ there remains one holdout, my sexuality.

I've had homosexual attractions since my very early teenage years and they're still with me.

I believe God is calling me to confess this sin to you, first and foremost, because you've been my only real accountability partner. Also, I want to walk in obedience to the scriptures that call us to confess our sins one to another.

It's this hidden sin that has always been the cause of all of my inner turmoil. All those hours of me crying about how disconnected and emotionless I feel stem back to this one last stronghold in my life.

So here I am, fully exposed before you in the truest sense of the word.

I'm lost, helpless, afraid and alone.
But I want things to change!

I'm looking for direction, for help, for courage and for community.

I don't know what to do going forward from here. But I feel like I can't begin to heal and reintegrate back into the church until I come to grips with this sin.

I don't want to be a hypocrite anymore.

[Part 11] Lies & Late Nights

(Midnight: October 6, 2009)

I don't understand this war taking place inside of me, over my flesh.
It's between my old sinful nature and the new nature God wants to pour out on me.

In Bible Study today we talked about how an old wineskin can't house or hold new wine.
It'll burst open. And yet here I am, still fighting over the same stupid temptations.

I ended up looking through a ton of pictures with this girl today and my flesh wanted to stop every single time I saw a good looking guy. I guess I should also mention many of them were shirtless Abercrombie-type poses too. How convenient!

How can one side of me be so incredibly gay and yet the other side thirst and desire after the things of God's kingdom? Am I just the world's biggest hypocrite or is this how every guy feels in his struggle with lust? I feel like I could bone the next guy that gives me the time of day. Honestly, it's as if there's been absolutely no progress in pursuit of purity and opposite-sex attractions.

Man, dealing with sin is a bitch. Or maybe just for me because I've chosen to keep my struggles a secret from everyone I know.

And every day that passes by I have to lie about “which girls I like/would date/marry/etc.” Lies continue lies. They're self-sustaining, perpetuating.

(October 8, 2009)

Today, during (Bible study), we talked about strongholds, struggles and addictions. More than ever I want to be free from homosexuality but the problem is people don't know I struggle with it and it'd be a huge shocking surprise.

I think the next lie I have to defeat is that my problem is going to be some sort of burden or inconvenience for others to deal with.

I just need to stay focused on building up God's strongholds of truth and toppling Satan's strongholds of lust and homosexuality.

But there's also the part about us, as Christians, already having victory in Christ. Jesus' work on the cross already paid the full price for my sin. Why am I still living in bondage then?

Do I have Stockholm's Syndrome?

Have I been institutionalized?

[Part 10] Lust In Church

(October 4, 2009)

I attended church with some YWAM friends this Sunday.

Aside from being an entirely mediocre experience, I found myself really struggled with lust during the service. Almost every guy in the congregation was attractive.

They all had the hipster style down to a "t". Extra long v-neck shirts that show too much skin on every side, the coolest haircuts, tight pants that are cut way too low, etc.

There was even this one guy who was up on stage in the worship team who seemed super awkward because he was all muscles and nothing much else. He was super distracting for me.

The only thing I could do was invite the Holy Spirit into the midst of my struggles. I'm not sure how biblical that is or what but I just feel like it's the next step in breaking down the great walls of compartmentalization I've established in my life.

Instead of trying to face these temptations alone, away from the Holy Spirit, I've decided to give him complete access to my life, to be there and go through my darkest hours along with me.

The whole thing sounds sort of mystical or wonky but the main thing is that I'm learning to trust him. I'm no longer hiding from him in the closet and then coming out when I'm bleeding.

In my mind, it's like deciding to let others see you when you're getting drunk, high, strung out, etc.

So, if nothing else, I learned to take steps towards transparency and honesty at church this last Sunday. How's that for progress?!

[Part 9] When Kings Stay Home

(October 3, 2009)

Just like when King David stayed home and got bored, I woke up this morning and started screwing around instead of getting up and active.

Boredom leads to stupid stuff.

So I jacked off this morning, there was a little gay fantasy at first but eventually it became based entirely on the physical pleasure.

The worst thing is God continually gives me chances to make a different decision. Right when I was going for the bathroom (one of the girls in the house) came down stairs and used it. Instead of letting go, I just decided to wait it out. I had already committed/made up my mind.

How do I get to the point where I'm able to actually turn in the opposite direction?
(I believe it's called repentance, no?)

I know I need the empowering of the Holy Spirit, first thing in the morning, Every day!
I think there's also still some sort of false promise I'm buying into from Satan's lies.

The truth:
Fleeting physical pleasure pails in comparison to the purity and righteous found when I walk in obedience to Christ.

So, each and every day, I have to decide if those few brief seconds are worth the long-lasting effects on my relationship with God, with others and with my future wife.

[Part 8] Trust & Forgetfulness

(September 28, 2009)

Status report: I'm still attracted to men, especially the hot Asian guy in Memoirs of a Geisha. After the movie was over I even went back and found the one scene of him with his shirt off. Women remain beautiful but do nothing for me sexually.

Also, I told God that I'm ready to trust him the other day.
I have no idea what that means.

(September 30, 2009)

I don't know what God's up to over here in (this country) but it's certainly exciting!

I'm mean, seriously!
After receiving a letter of prophecy over my life from (Esther), I've been challenged to call on the Holy Spirit daily to guide my steps. And every day has been amazing! Nothing happens by accident, nothing is a coincident, to say so would be a disservice to God's orchestrated plan.

I just spent tonight reading over all of my various documents that I recorded during YWAM, including this one. Many of them I read to (my best friend), which made her cry. I'd like to think it wasn't just the fact that she's also sick and in great pain right now. I ended up praying for her tonight too.
(She's a great sport and already knows that I end up laughing at her pain because I'm such a jerk, sorry!)

I don't want to rush God's transforming power or anything but I could really use some sexual purification right about now! Or conveniently before I leave (this place).

Having read over this whole homosexual journal gives me an appreciation for God's faithfulness and patience, in spite of my unfaithfulness and forgetfulness. It's amazing how quickly we can stray from the Lord.

This morning I entertained quite a bit of old fantasies in my head. One was the very first porno I watched over at my neighbor's house. It's still odd thinking back to the fact that I was watching it for the dick while all the other guys were there for the girls. And then, on top of all that, I tried to recall all the very first gay porn images I had viewed back when we had dial-up internet.

Lust knows no limits...

The basic lesson here is not to play with your morning wood. It's as simple as that. Sometimes the benefit of living in a house of all girls is that I'm too embarrassed to ever be caught with a boner so I end up instantly losing it.

[Part 7] A Process

(September 24, 2009)

I'm officially one month away from going home, which makes it the 24th, and today just so happened to be a pretty great day! I had an awesome first 11am Bible study in (the slums) where (Isaiah) talked about “judging others.” I felt there was a lot of truth exchanged and a recognition that everything starts with our realization of how God loves, forgives and transforms us.

These three areas are strongly in play around my struggles with homosexuality. I have to recognize who he is in each of these areas and I'm only just learning how to do this, only just beginning to experience it, to walk in it.

God loves me as his very own child. He's my heavenly Father who will never abandon me. Nothing can ever separate me from his love.

God's forgiveness of my sin is infinite and final. His grace is sufficient. There's no amount of work or earning I can do, this is a gift because of his love for me.

God is faithful to carry out his work into completion. He's a father that cares enough to bring about change for my life. His work is specific and custom fit for me. He renews my thoughts, my mind, my attractions.

So the phrase, “sanctification is a process” has been thrown around quite a bit lately along with, “I'm only human.” I think I need to ponder on these for awhile longer.

...

“God...”
“Yes, son?”
“How long is 'a process?' ”
“Well, my timing is perfect”
“Yeah, I know, but...”
“But it helps if you're obedient to my prompting...”
“Ok, I want to be but my brokenness makes openness hard”
“That's why I'm calling you to place your hand in mine and trust me”
“... I'm trying... I want to... but... ahhh... I want to!”
“ 'The God of Heaven and Earth has the power to redeem and restore your life.' Do you believe that?”
“Yes, but give me faith so as not to doubt!”

[Part 6] Faithful to the Unfaithful

[WARNING: This entry contains rather open discussions of a sexual nature, aka masturbation. Just letting you know beforehand.]

(September 15, 2009)

It's only 10:38pm here at the (place I'm staying) but it feels so much later due to jet lag and fatigue. I'm finally feeling at “home” here now. Last night, while staying at the Retreat Center, I already failed my “no masturbation in (this continent)” pact. I was pretty pissed that I already failed, especially since it happened as I was praying in the shower and asking God for new purity. I learned not to play with myself in the shower at all or else it's just a downhill battle from there.

Being in a surf town is also a bit distracting/tempting for me. There's plenty of "surfa brahs" all running around, looking great...

I've just been reminded of my other pact to start working out and prayer/read/journal daily. That's part of the reason I slipped the other day, I wasn't prepared in the Word.

(Fast forward a few days later)

Let's cut the the chase... 8:00pm here in the House.

Sex is alluring.
Sin is sticky.
(and hard to wash off)

The lie of Satan: promising something he can never deliver.
The joys of sin are temporary, fleeting, ephemeral.

And I'm just the same idiot boy who falls for it every freaking time!

Confession: I went to use the public bathrooms during a trip to (this small artsy beach town with friends) and promptly found free packages of condoms in a dispenser in the bathroom. The internal mental struggle ensued while I pissed on the weird metal wall which composed the urinal.
Guess which side won out this time?
My flesh...

From there I couldn't wait to get home and try one out, in spite of the fact I knew I didn't want to continue to feed the addictions of masturbation. Having never actually seen a condom before, or even used one, I ripped one open even while still at the station and figured a few things out. Soon enough the stickiness and smell of the lubricating oil was on my hands. (In hindsight I sound so sheltered, sort of like a home schooler, it's almost humorous! I guess private Christian school really did keep me away from some things.)

On the way home I ended up bumping into (and friend of mine) and had to shake his hand. Shame was now mounting under my impending decision to try out one of these condoms. It was as if he was placed there by God to intercept me. If only I would have listened or heeded the warning...

I'm home. Time to crack the next one open, regardless of the risk or consequences.
I don't think it's a coincident that none of the bathrooms in this house have doors that lock.

But I press on.

And just like that, it's over.

I'm completely under-whelmed. Seriously, I've had way better.
Is that what sex is supposed to be like? Well, I mean, if it wasn't just me and my hand?

Now comes the flood of conviction that I had successfully suppressed up to this point.

I have to bury the evidence!
Where can I hide this crap?

I sure hope no one ever digs through the trash for any reason or else I'll have a lot of explaining to do. Then again, getting caught isn't the worst thing in the world.

Yeah, I'm still at a point in life where I'm longing for accountability even if it comes via the worst possible method. I just want people to know what my struggles truly are and not have to walk around with these careful lies and endless longings.

So what have I learned from this latest experience?

Sex is so seductive but completely unsatisfying out of God's intended context.

God is ever present and extending his hand for relationship and intimacy with me, if only I'll let him in and begin to trust.

Even after all was said and done, the girls invited me to come read the Bible at the coffee shop with them. And (another friend) wanted me to come with her to the Base as well.

God is always faithful, always watching, always pouring out hope.
(Even in the midst of my unfaithfulness and despair.)

[Part 5] Continental Shift

(September 6, 2009)

I found myself almost immediately checking out all the great looking guys in the US and also the guys from Europe. (The country I just left) was definitely a blessing in that regard. There weren't a lot of great looking guys I had to deal with. I managed to make it through the whole flight without too much of a fight. I purposely avoided the Chatnum Tanning film, Fight, just because of his shirtless body (although I watched the trailer rather gleefully). But there was also a scene in Sunshine Cleaning that caught me off guard. Definitely a lot of ass in that film.

Overall, I don't want to be prematurely optimistic but I feel like there's been less and less of a struggle with SSsA (same-sex sexual attractions). Part of that change comes from not seeing any real porn this year, except for the one slip right before YWAM.

Also, knowing that it's helped "Growing into Manhood" with his struggles pushes me to work on my own same-sex emotion deficit problems. Turning my attraction from sexual to emotional seems really weird and still just as gay but I think it's way healthier than the alternative. I want some manly hugs, spending time together and just being able to share openly about all the things I'm struggling with right now alone in my head.

No man is an island. No man is a life raft. No man can save himself.

Help isn't only appreciated, it's necessary. Required, in fact.

Why are we so busy drowning alone instead of keeping each other afloat?

I need to open my eyes to those suffering, dying and drowning around me. Those just within arm's reach that I can save. There's so many if only I would extend my hand!

Now that I'm here in (this new country and continent) I have to own up on all the promises I've made with myself. No more masturbation, no more entertaining fantasies. Time to bounce my eyes or, at the very least, train my mind to view other men as emotional brothers.

“to the person who struggles with certain temptations, he needs an outpouring of the Holy Spirit in the gifts of the Spirit; self-control.”

[Part 4] Preparing for Departure

(September 4, 2009)

I just adjusted my computer to something close to (my new country's) current time. It's 8:22pm and I'm attempting to be alone in the midst of this large group. This file has quickly transitioned into my un-official journal for all things dealing with my SSsA (same-sex sexual addiction) struggles, a termed coined from my soon-to-be online mentor and friend.

Living in community seems to be diametrically opposed to keeping secrets and dealing with things on your own. I'm in the process of finding out if that's the way God intended it to be or not. My Western upbringing tells me that I should be entitled to my own private life, separate from the group.

But even as I think about what I've just typed I'm reminded of Adam's relationship with God in the Garden of Eden. There was a complete freedom of truth in their relationship. Adam was fully exposed before God in every aspect of his life, including thoughts, and it was perfect in the beginning.

It's the Fall that brought about fragmentation, fear, separation, doubt, rejection, and pain. So I guess that means there's a better alternative to the separation I'm experiencing right now. If I wasn't afraid of judgment and ensnared in lies then I should have been seeking relationships for processing on this healing journey.

Timing has been rough for my new online friendship. But I'm continually reminded and grateful for God's perfect, intentional timing. If this is when it happened there must be a reason for it. Who am I to complain?

[Part 3] Moments of Weakness

(September 2, 2009)

I'm only two days away from leaving (the Western Hemisphere for the Easter Hemisphere).

My mind has been running a million miles a minute in regards to my homosexual sin-nature.
I've probably jacked off more times than I'd like to admit here in (this country) but pornography wise, things have been pretty good. Instead, my struggle has come from looking at the vast sea of real life men. Fortunately for me, none of them are very attractive.

Moments of weakness...

I have to confess that I'd thought about “accepting my homosexuality” and running away to some secret place to embrace it. But there's one little problem: it never really works out with what I know to be true of God and the Bible and my faith experiences. Even the very first prophecy over my life mentioned specifically my sexual healing and path towards purity in Christ.

In comes some great blogs:
http://nprocess.blogspot.com/
http://growingintomanhood.blogspot.com/

The latter of which has really blown my mind. I wouldn't say it's a straight up :God intervention" situation but it definitely offers me some much-needed hope in this fight for purity.

Again, I'm convinced/convicted of full transparency leading to healing for others! Why am I not doing this yet?

The things that really stand out to me are the difference between same-sex sexual attraction and same-sex emotional attraction. It's honestly the latter that I'm after.

But all of this reading about homosexuality online just might begin to tip Ezekiel off to the truth about my struggles. With that said, I'm still trying to figure out how his not actually coming down to (this country) works out in God's perfect plan. I guess I'll have to wait on this one to see what amazing story of redemption God is writing.

...

I think I'm going to contact the author of “Growing Into Manhood”

I've been reading through his entire blog, countless pages, and some of them have hit me hard. I don't need to blog most of my life because he already did it for me. He has the same struggles, longings and desires I have. And the amazing thing is that he's made it to the other side.

Life is possible.
The lies aren't immortal, they can die.

I even cried on the post about his terrible relationship with his older brother. Too many easy (clear) similarities there! But the thing that stabbed me in the heart was realizing that I don't want to recognize my love for my brother only after he's dead.