(October 22, 2009)
I continue to find and read more “gay Christian” blogs whenever I find time online. Part of it is to search out someone I can relate to and also begin a friendship with. But the other part is that my flesh still seeks erotic gay stories, just being honest here. It's like I'm somehow hoping someone will post some really juicy stories about their sex-capades.
I actually sort of found that today, but in a redeeming form. This one man had been living the quintessential gay lifestyle, boyfriend and everything, when we was repeatedly pursued by a woman who wanted him to come to a saving relationship with Jesus. Eventually he cracked and hasn't been the same since. The weird thing is he literally hadn't worked out any of his life beforehand. It was the church who just yanked him out of his old sinful environment and gave him room to breathe and grow at someone else's house.
There's so many atypical things that stick out in this story.
(http://icarusalways.blogspot.com/2009/09/brief-bio.html)
First, there's this woman that wants so much for this random gay man to come to know Christ that she follows him all over his world, the gay bars, coffee shops, wherever!
Second, he actually accepts her offer and encounters Jesus at her church, which is apparently a pretty accepting place if he felt comfortable enough to bring his boyfriend and enjoy the sermon at the same time. What the heck does that church even look like?!
And thirdly, it's crazy that he literally left his old life behind, not just figuratively but literally. He started anew in Christ, even before he had it all worked out or any answers about the pretty obvious questions about his sexuality.
What kind of implications does his testimony have for my own life?
Am I pursuing others like this woman did?
Am I being a church that is accepting of sinners?
Am I willing to change my entire life, to leave the old behind?
(Complete topic shift)
What would it look like to be so comfortable in my own sexuality that I could meet and girl and let her know that I'm not sexually attracted to her but I still want to marry her? haha
I'm pretty sure that's not going to be a winning pick up line but that's where I'm at. I'd like to think it'll start out as a solid friendship, a relationship with no secrets from the very beginning.
Sort of like me divulging from the start that I'm broken but willing to work on it. I'm just looking for someone to come along side me and love me in spite of my brokenness.
I think a lot of my healing will also come from having solid, honest relationships with other men. Once I get over that fear of man and tell them and see that they still love me anyway I think there's going to be a lot of freedom in that.
Then reality sets in...
And I don't feel like my current situation in back home is the place that's going to happen.
How will I talk with my family, friends and church? It seems nearly impossible to my human mind.
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Clay,
ReplyDeleteI can testify as someone who has dealt with SSA that relationships with men are really key to healing. Now I should clarify from the outset that by "healing" I don't necessarily mean a change in sexual feelings. I do mean an increased ability to react to them appropriately, to overcome shame that you feel, and to grow closer to God. I have found such friendships to be very fulfilling. Having never been in a romantic or sexual relationship (with anyone of either sex) I can't make that comparison, but I can say that same-sex friendships can be very beneficial. I'm glad you're thinking about this.
It can be very, very difficult to tell another guy the first time. I've found, however, that it gets easier each time you tell someone, as long as you are careful and choose people who will react compassionately. Also, it's very much worth all the fear and difficulty. I'm not saying you necessarily have to become 100% out (I'm not, hence the pseudonym), but having guy friends you can talk to about this in addition to other things is essential to any kind of real healing. I'll pray that you can find someone to talk to who can respond helpfully.
I will say that it's important to realize that having same-sex feelings is not in and of itself sinful, and is almost certainly not something you chose or had control over. It's how we react to our same-sex feelings that matter. It's not worth experiencing all the shame and guilt just because our attractions happen to involve a lot of SSA. (In my case, my attractions are pretty much bisexual and always have been, so I've never fretted over a lack of opposite-sex feelings.)
Another testimony you should read is Peter Ould's, at http://www.peter-ould.net/2007/04/19/you-and-me-together/ in addition to the rest of his blog. He talks about how he did experience some change in his sexual feelings, but only after he reconciled himself to the possibility of celibacy. I get nervous when people indicate that they MUST change, as you seemed to in your last post, because that attitude often leads people to reject this path altogether and become gay-affirming when it doesn't happen. As someone who does have a lot of opposite-sex attraction, I don't fully understand the burden of lifelong celibacy, although I have been celibate up to this point in my life (I'm 23.) However, I can tell you that some people do have a testimony that doesn't involve sexual orientation change. You already link to College Jay, and another good blog is Karen K's at http://pursuegod.wordpress.com . I can't tell you what God will or will not do in your life, but I hope you can learn to be at peace with whatever happens.
I also do want to say that it's a good idea to be very, very careful about marriage if you don't have a lot of OSA. Karen actually wrote a really good post on dating at http://pursuegod.wordpress.com/2009/02/21/bi-curious-reflections-on-dating/ with a lot of good advice. Jay also started a good thread on this issue at http://collegejay.blogspot.com/2009/10/mixed-orientation-marriages.html . I generally don't think it's a good idea to marry someone you're not actually sexually attracted to.
Thanks for all the links and advice, Neo, I'll be sure to check them out and get back to you. Also, I think part of my mental stance will make more sense to you as I go back and fill in the whole story. I made the choice to start this blog with these entries, for better or worse, and I'm realizing there probably wasn't enough back story to build off of. Hopefully that will come in time, too.
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