[Part 30] Sad Strokes & Setbacks

[It's funny how my need to filter or warn people about certain details seems to fluctuate over time. I no longer have a problem with cussing but talking about masturbation is suddenly a big. Whatever, just be forewarned that I mention it in here.]
(November 20, 2009)

I was doing super-duper-awesome today even after I had a good convo with (Diakonos) for an hour or so.

But then...

I looked at some “soft core” which apparently can be just a simple as shirtless hunks. Granted I'm pretty sure half of them were gay. But seriously, shirtless guys is all I needed to get going?

That's just stupid.

Oh yeah, and I spent like 30 minutes just stroking it for awhile before I got it over with.

Also stupid.

Especially in the face of all I've been reading about masturbation and the chemical dependency I'm perpetuating.

I think my next target of spiritual battle is the citadel/stronghold of masturbation that Satan has in my life. This tower needs to come down!

But the problem is Satan sees me mounting my attack so he swiftly blitzkriegs me before I have a chance to fully prepare. He goes for the fast knock out, not the long haul, sometimes.
(I'm not implying Satan is necessarily German, just that he was around during WWII and either took notes or gave them out.)

And then I listened to a couple of Ricky Chelette's sermons and they changed my life! The end of "Homosexuality" was great, along with the first 40 minutes of “Ministering to those with Same Gender Attraction.”


(November 27, 2009)

I can't believe it's both been a whole week and yet only a week since my last entry!

Today I find myself in a very discouraged mood. Unfortunately, not much has changed since yesterday, which just so happened to be Thanksgiving. Everything was going great until the afternoon when I ignorantly decided to watch “The Talented Mr. Ripley” with my parents.

I learned a few very valuable things that night.

1. Never watch any movie you've never seen before for the very first time with your parents. This is a good rule to follow in general. There's just too many chances for this sort of thing to go wrong!
2. My parents, dad especially, are highly uncomfortable around anything dealing with the subject of homosexuality. Realistically they're an average amount of homophobic, if such a measurement exists?
3. I'm probably not going to share with either of them about my struggles any time soon.

This is seriously a frustrating setback.

I honestly feel almost no attachment to my parents, at least emotionally or in any intimate way. And that's a terrible relational to come to. It's like I'm trying to force something that's just not happening.

Story of my life, right?

On one hand, I feel compelled to search out that relationship I never had with my father. After all, he's the only dad I'll ever have. There are no do-overs here. These are the parents that're going to be with me until the day one of us dies. There's no way around it. I almost feel obligated to make it work out.

But on the other hand, they're making it more difficult on me than ever. I can just as easily walk away and close this entire part of my life off from them. And the worst part is I'm not even emotionally invested in this relationship to the point where there's really no tears to be shed whatsoever. Tragic.

Dad has been actually like a total ass lately, especially in regards to the way he treats mom and other people. I've never met another man as insecure as he is. It's honestly astounding! I don't know why he has such a hard time admitting he's wrong? It's just insane. I've given him about 20 chances in the last week to say he was wrong or apologize but he just couldn't do it.

I guess that means God wants me to prayer for him since there's nothing I can accomplish on my own power. Man, this sucks! Why do I have to be the bigger man? I didn't ask for this burden to bear. But I know I can't complain because somehow, through all of this chaos, God's plan of redemption will unfold.

“Why can't I cry over this, God? Please continue to work on my heart, my emotions. I may be broken but not in the way that you require. Destroy this unhealthy heart, with the promise of a new one. I'm ready for a different kind of brokenness. Pour out peace in my life over all these situations. Send your Holy Spirit ahead of me to work on the hearts of those I encounter.

Father, I'm still a scared and lonely little boy. I need you embrace in a physical way. Thank you for all the new guys you've brought into my life but help me practice purity in all relationships. I only want to do things that are pleasing to you. I'm tired of hiding, of running, of holding this mask over my face. I'm ready for a change of pace. I want to see and breathe freely.

Protect me from pursuing sex.
My body is still weak but I know you're strong.“