[Part 3] Moments of Weakness

(September 2, 2009)

I'm only two days away from leaving (the Western Hemisphere for the Easter Hemisphere).

My mind has been running a million miles a minute in regards to my homosexual sin-nature.
I've probably jacked off more times than I'd like to admit here in (this country) but pornography wise, things have been pretty good. Instead, my struggle has come from looking at the vast sea of real life men. Fortunately for me, none of them are very attractive.

Moments of weakness...

I have to confess that I'd thought about “accepting my homosexuality” and running away to some secret place to embrace it. But there's one little problem: it never really works out with what I know to be true of God and the Bible and my faith experiences. Even the very first prophecy over my life mentioned specifically my sexual healing and path towards purity in Christ.

In comes some great blogs:
http://nprocess.blogspot.com/
http://growingintomanhood.blogspot.com/

The latter of which has really blown my mind. I wouldn't say it's a straight up :God intervention" situation but it definitely offers me some much-needed hope in this fight for purity.

Again, I'm convinced/convicted of full transparency leading to healing for others! Why am I not doing this yet?

The things that really stand out to me are the difference between same-sex sexual attraction and same-sex emotional attraction. It's honestly the latter that I'm after.

But all of this reading about homosexuality online just might begin to tip Ezekiel off to the truth about my struggles. With that said, I'm still trying to figure out how his not actually coming down to (this country) works out in God's perfect plan. I guess I'll have to wait on this one to see what amazing story of redemption God is writing.

...

I think I'm going to contact the author of “Growing Into Manhood”

I've been reading through his entire blog, countless pages, and some of them have hit me hard. I don't need to blog most of my life because he already did it for me. He has the same struggles, longings and desires I have. And the amazing thing is that he's made it to the other side.

Life is possible.
The lies aren't immortal, they can die.

I even cried on the post about his terrible relationship with his older brother. Too many easy (clear) similarities there! But the thing that stabbed me in the heart was realizing that I don't want to recognize my love for my brother only after he's dead.